Sunday, January 25, 2015

I'm 24 years Old and I've Never Been In Love

I'm 24 years old and I've never been in love. 





I think I've loved people. I know I have. However, I've never been in love, like really in love. I've never been in it. 
I've had it....I've, ya know, loved. But never have I ever been in love. Sometimes, that scares me. I think that maybe it will never happen for/to me.
I care about people pretty quickly. I am a pretty loving person. I'm faster to love someone than hate them.

And I definitely think I watch too many movies on the subject of love...


I've fallen out of love before (usually the idea of love versus really loving someone)

I've walked away from love.

It's one of those things that, because I've never had it at, I want it.
But I don't even know what it's like.
I really don't know what it's like to be in love.
The only depiction, and really feeling, that I have of love- being in love- is from the movies. I don't know what it's like to be so truly deeply involved in it. I've never said to someone "I love you." And the only person who ever said it to me was a drunk boy that then proceeded to pee in my bed... And the last guy would say it by accident and then follow it up with, "I don't love you. I hate you." Oh...
If I've been anywhere close to love, it's been very surface level. Thinking about being deep, deep in love is ~mystifying~ to me. I can't really conceptualize the idea because I think it's a feeling that I've just never had.

Love seems to be one of the few things in life you can't look for. It can't be something you're actively searching for. It seems, to be something that just has to come to you.



Maybe that's why I haven't found love. I'm constantly searching for it. Even when I say I am not, or think I'm not, I definitely am. Like I said, it's ~mystifying~. I want to understand it, I want to feel it but I just never have.

All of the greatest loves I've ever seen have been in movies or are stories. And maybe that's what they are. They're just made up fictional stories and they're not real- they're fake. Are there great lovestories that are real?

I'm not a product of real love. My parents hate each other. Both of them have remarried and have great working relationships. But I was not a product of a great real love- don't get me wrong my parents love me very much, they just hate each other.
It is possible that a spirit of independence was instilled in me as a child that I just can't shake. I've always known it's okay to be alone and I've always like being alone. It's not that I don't like people, I just like being alone sometimes, a lot of the time. 

A lot of people joke about the phrase "forever alone" and although it is funny to joke about as a single person, it's possible that I will be forever alone. But I think that if that happens it'll be at my own doing.


People have tried to love me and I've push them away. I try to love people and they push me away. I don't really think I will be "forever alone…" But I don't know. Is it normal, To never have found love at 24? Is there still hope for me? We shall see.

It's funny that as much as I have never really felt what it's like to be in love, I've felt what it's like to be not-in-love and to have people not love you. I've felt pain.

Break ups suck. No matter what, when, or how, they suck. At first it's all liberating, like fuck ya! But then it's like fuck.my.life.



And it comes in waves. It's almost like having a cold, at least it is for me right now. Well... I also have a cold so I might be confused... But there are things that make this feeling worse and better. Chocolate and ice cream, makes things better. Friends, make things better. Romance movies, feel like death. Staring at your phone feels agonizing. And it's so easy to get trapped. To turn, shut the blinds and watch movies.

It's a little more energy but a lot less painful to keep moving. To get out of bed and make a smoothie and seize the day.
But then sometimes you hear a song, or see a picture and it's like a wave of emotion that hits you. Like a coughing attack. And you just need water. Or... chocolate.

I wish I could just hit an off switch and make all my feelings go away. However, I am a human and I have complex emotions. *le sigh* i miss him. 

Even though I know [me and the boy I'm no longer seeing] want different things, and that he's not good for me, I still miss him. It just hurts so bad right now. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I'm a little sad
still.



"We always knew this was going to be a shit time." -Love Actually I've quoted this before and I will continue to....
I knew this would suck. I hate breakups. I hate how many times I've had my heart broken without ever having had love. I just want to scream it's not fair. I want to cry. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...
Today a friend, I admire for her courage, said to me, "you are so strong." To have someone say that feels good. I know I will come out of everything that is going on around and with me a better person.
BUT OH IT HURTS.

The easy thing to do is die. To lay down and take it and give up. It'f hard to move forward and onward.
And sometimes you miss people who don't give a shit. In life, people and interactions can mean different things from one person to another. On the flip side- it can work the other way. People can appreciate you without you even knowing it.

Tonight a woman told me how I did something for her that I had totally forgotten about. People can remember things you do for them that you didnt realize you did. Small acts of kindness do not go unappreciated, in my belief. We call these lollipop moments.

Find the silver linings in life and don't focus on negativity. There is no point. 
It is ok to be sad, but I will move forward. Onward and upward, yabbers!
So loved or not currently... I know I am worth it and I am lovable. If no one else loves me, well I'd probably treat myself better anyway...like by giving myself another chocolate bar.

And you know what? I am loved. By so, so, so many amazing people. By my Mummy and Daddy and my Nan and Bill, all my brothers and my lil mini sister. I have friends that are seriously, so beyond amazing. I am incredibly grateful for them. The fact that I can text my friends across the country and say "I need you...now." And there they are, doing whatever they can.












And I have a fellowship. The people and rooms of AA are there always.

Maybe I have more love in my life then those girls who pine and wait for their boyfriends to say, "I love you." I have a love, stronger, and longer lasting then them.



*REMEMBER 2015: Balance. Om.

2 comments:

  1. OMG, I am eternally sorry! :(

    ReplyDelete
  2. No one needs to apologize for anything. I merely make observations, I'm not complaining... I'm just mulling over things and rejoicing in the love that I have. Especially for my amazing mother. <3

    ReplyDelete