The Christmas Hangover.

Once the last present is open you feel it. You dread it. You know it's going to come the minute you hear your first Christmas carol of the season. As I've said it before, I'll say it again... All good things come to an end, including Christmas. 

The most built up day of the year is December 25th. No other holiday has such a great rise and fall. The holiday season is constantly building and building.
For me, it starts around Thanksgiving. I see holiday sales before the Turkey even hits the table and it pisses me off. Next, decorations come out. Then it's time for shopping and Christmas music is finally acceptable. Before you know it it's the week of Christmas and it has come too fast. With a flash it's all over, wrapping paper a strew everywhere.


I think December 26th is a hard day for a lot of people. They wait all year for the magic of Christmas and poof it's over. That's not to say it's gone in a blink of an eye and the flashest of flashes, but it does sometimes feel that way.

As soon as I start to open presents I get uneasy about the whole thing being over. It's like when I use to do Molly and I would think about my roll ending and have a panic attack. It's terrifying.

My Christmas this year was... well... pretty daaamn awesome. I got everything I wanted/needed and more. From wool socks to a TV and ROKU... YABBA MADE OUT GOOD.
Maybe this is my karma finally coming around.

However, this Christmas felt a little different for me. After I had opened everything and was totally astounded with my turn out, I couldn't help thinking about the students I work with everyday and how their Christmas' were.
It just makes me feel a little helpless, like theres nothing I can do. There's so many of them and I am only one person in one classroom. I can't give them everything they want or need and it makes me feel so small.

But I can be grateful. 

Although this holiday was a little... meh... emotional for me... I wasn't totally on cloud nine the whole time... From my period, to an antibiotic for a cold, and still that broken heart thing, I just wasn't 100%. But I have been more reflective and just feeling so #blessed.

I got to see more family then I usually do and had real quality time with them. I saw every side of my large dysfunctional family over this break. My brother was home from college, I saw my little cousins from my moms side, my uncle was in from LA, and everyone was so pleasant. Being in a holiday funk was luckily treated well by good people.

I also got to see my Reetz, in from Washington state, and spent a lot of time with my Carlita.

And now for New Years.... 

I don't know if you know this, my dear readers, but I do New Years Eve right. Some people think NYE is a stupid holiday, not me. I think it's just amazing.... maybe it's because of all of the Captial G L I TT ER. But I think it's great to celebrate the new year. If you know me, you know I'm all for something new. So bring on 2015. 2014 is over. It's time to celebrate the opportunity for prosperity and growth. To start new.
This New Year's I'm gonna be the sparkliest and kiss boys I don't know and it's gonna be fabulous (fur coat and all).

So order me a bloody, make it a virgin, and let's kick this hangover to the curb, because there's a new year on the way and ya better look sharp.
It's a good thing I don't drink because who has time for hangovers anyway?

*cue broadway musical overture about Gab in New York City*

"I am sad, but as always I will be ok": A relationship tell-all.

I have been waiting for a long time to write about all of this. The amount of drafts I have in my blogger has piled up more than ever before in the last six months. And now I finally will give you my tell all.

Of course, I am writing after the fact. I think the best writing is a compilation of before, during and after, or beginning, middle and end. So I'll do my best now to divulge all three.

Beginning,
I met this guy on fourth of July. I was actually supposed to be where I was with another guy, who was a piece of shit, but I ended up meeting this character. I remember specifically seeing him. I remember yelling something and him yelling back at me, in a playful way. I was, for some weird reason, intrigued. The image of the first time I saw him is still burned in my brain. He was smiling at me and didn't mind the fact that I was screaming. I don't usually remember those things. He came up and talked to me at some point and asked me the standard questions, "what I did with my life, yada, yada." During the summer I was working at a non profit and getting ready to do my year of service. It became sort of a test when I told people what I was doing at that time.

I think what I do is very representative of who I am. At my core I am a good person, and I want good things for people, even if that is a difficult task. I use to be someone who didn't care about my life and what was in store for my future. Now I not only care about me but I outwardly care about other people and I am continually working to try to make a difference in the world and lives of others versus how I use to just worry about it.

I digress...

So when people heard my answer of "I do social media for a non profit and I am about to start a year of service." I got mixed reviews. Some people were like "cool." Others were like "that is so awesome!" As in most aspects of life, people either cared or didn't. He said he thought it was really awesome. Passed the first test. He was done college and had a good job. Passed the second test.
I seemingly didn't pay this boy much attention throughout the night but I was very much intrigued.

I ended up leaving and said goodbye. He had gone to college with my friend and she gave him my number a couple days later. We started texting a lot and hung out a time or two, then hooked up in the end of july.

The night we ended up hooking up for the first time, he invited me, and our mutual friend, to visit him in wildwood the upcoming week... With his family.... I said no. Our mutual friend said yes, I said fine. So I met his family. I've never met anyones family... It went fine. His family was really great and he was turning out to be too. On my birthday at the end of the month he sent me flowers.
Things were going great right?!

As this was going on my life got busy. Work, roommate drama- like serious drug relapse, horrible, horrible drama.

We continued to hook up and hang out, talk on the phone a couple times a week.

In September I had like one of those "talks" with him. I'd never done that before either. It was really hard and really scary. But I needed to make sure this wasn't going to be too much.
Entering a relationship (the way this one was going) was really, really scary for me because, of course, I always think of the end date.

All good things come to an end eventually. And I was so scared I was going to get too invested into this and the break up would throw off everything I've worked so hard to build.
SPOILER ALERT: I WAS RIGHT and no preventative measures could have done anything.

I honestly don't even remember what I said. I had the most serious word vomit of my life. I spilled out everything. I know I said, I was looking for something serious, I went through my whole

So. much. word. vomit.

relationship history and how many times I have been hurt, I told him how my dad cheated on my mom, how hard I have worked to turn my life around, basically everything I could dump I did.
Right away, he told me he wasn't looking to get serious but just to have fun. Which was very confusing to me because of the way things had been going... but I listened to him. I asked if we were seeing other people, he said he hadn't thought about it, I got so upset I walked away for ten minutes. I came back and we decided we were exclusive.

I was more vulnerable with him that night then I possibly have ever been.
This relationship has been a big first for me, specifically with being so open. I've heard when you are an alcoholic you are emotionally under developed. So this first, should have happened a long time ago but things happen in our lives at the times they are supposed to.

Drinking has played apart in this relationship a lot. He drinks, I don't. I even mentioned this in previous posts. It's been really hard. The hardest has been trying to know what he will and will not remember. Having conversations that never actually happened, but really did is hard. It's like talking to yourself. It's really confusing.

The two of us have very similar personalities, but are two extremely different individuals. I honestly don't know how we act the same but have walked totally different paths.

I'm jumping around a lot but it's a lot.

So after this initial talk, a few weeks later, he drunkly told me he wanted the relationship open. We talked about it when he was sober a day later...for two hours... He told me he didn't want a relationship, he wanted things open and the freedom to do what he wanted.
It was a frustrating talk for me because everything he was saying sounded rehearsed and practiced. It didn't sound like he was actually telling me how he felt about me, or what we were doing, just what he thought the constraints of a relationship were. I could see what he was saying and what he wanted.

It wasn't what I wanted.
I was hearing him but I didn't agree.
So I told him that. I told him we wanted different things and that I didn't want to hang out at all anymore because we weren't on the same page. I know what I want. I don't like being with multiple people. I just want someone I can tell everything to. I don't need to spend every minute with someone but I need them to support me and be there for me. That's what I do, with every relationship I am in. When any of my friends are hurting or in trouble I do what I can for them. I would do that for a guy I am with and I want that in return.

He didn't want to end things. So, we didn't speak for a week. Then he told me he didn't want to get with other people and that he only wanted to be with me and that he really liked me. So, I was like ok.

But things weren't great. After that I felt he distanced himself from me a little bit because he didn't want me to get to close I guess. I don't really know. It's been really emotional.

It's hard because he says these kinds of things and then when were are together- specifically when he is drunk- he is all over me and acts a totally different way.

I really like him. I do not know why. He doesn't treat me like I'm a princess. He doesn't pay for everything, the way my parents always told me boys should, he is immature. But I just really like him. I love being with him. I love when he makes me laugh. When we actually have the chance to talk about stuff, I really like that. I think he is a good person. I don't think he is a piece of shit, at all.
I wish so badly we had met in like four years. I wish he had already been through this phase of his life, that I don't fit into.


It's funny because we actually met like a few years ago and have a bunch of mutual friends. From the beginning he seemed like someone I was supposed to know. All the signs pointed to him. I'm not saying I thought I met him. I'm just saying he seemed like someone I hadn't met by chance.

But I can't keep trying to fit this puzzle piece that doesn't exist.

I guess you're saying "what?? What happened?!"

Well tonight was the end.

For a little while I have felt like the end was near. I don't think he can be there for me as much as I need him to right now. That's what it really comes down to. He texted me tonight and said he wanted to be more independent. We talked on the phone and in the end I said I was done.

I don't want to be done. 

I guess you never really know it's goodbye until it's over. I didn't know last night was the last night I would spend with him. I didn't know today was the last time I would see him. No new years kiss with him, I have a christmas present for him he will never get. But I can't make him feel the way I want him to. I can't make him love me. I can't stick around knowing he won't do for me what I want.

It's an easy thing to say you can't make someone do something. But today I really felt it. I really can't help him come to the decision that is me. I care about him a lot but it's not really valid if he doesn't. I can't keep putting in an effort and not getting met with the same.

The second I so cooly hung up the phone I started sobbing. I feel horrible. Everything in my life is a mess right now. My living situation literally could not be worse. My job is so draining. I have a vitamin or iron deficiency, I guess, because my legs are covered in bruises. And now my heart is broken.

The truth is though, I will come out of this so strong. I know I said earlier I was so scared that this was going to happen from the beginning and how I would fair. I also said this has been a relationship of "firsts". This is not my first breakup or heartbreak and it won't be my last, but it's my first of this kind. I was scared it would kill me and right now, I can sit around and curl up and die, or I can rise up. I can move forward with grace.

And, you know yabbers, I will.

I'm scared of the future. This series of unfortunate events seems never ending. But I have more faith than the average 24 year old. I have Grit.

I am sad, but as always I will be ok.

Car Crash

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No, that was not the cat. Yes, that was me slamming on the keyboard.

I went to a meeting Wednesday and vented/ranted harrd. The first thing I said was "I am really fucking pissed off and frustrated." I was partly frustrated because I had my hand up the entire meeting and got called on in the last ten minutes. I was ready to walk out of the meeting.


But I'm not really mad. Frustrated yes, definitely, but I can't be mad right now. WELL I CAN, and I was/am but mostly I'm just like...

literally ...

I'm so broken down. I'm tired, bruised (literally- I think I'm have a vitamin deficiency), stressed and just bleh. It's not like I ran into a brick wall, it's like I was going down the right highway to success and a ton of bricks fell on me. And again, and again. And then one more time. Now, I'm hiding under a tree but I'm on this highway and I can't stop moving forward.
That's how I feel.
I also feel like people are just passing the crash like, "hey can I help? Oh I actually have to be somewhere I'll call you later and see if everything went ok. Bye."

Which I understand. We are all on this highway and people have places to go but I would really like if someone just pulled over got out and helped me put my car back together.
But I'm not helpless. I can do this. I can continue to move forward.

What I'm really saying, is I'm dealing with relapses. Not my own. But they are the scariest things I've ever experienced. Watching someone kill themselves and let their lives unravel is so painful.
[insert ALANO meeting here]

It's just so frustrating because I've worked hard to get to almost three years sober. I thought I was past all the tough stuff... WRRRRRONG. This is hard. Staying sober, while watching people get fucked up, is just as hard as it was for me to put everything down. A few weeks ago I broke down mentally. It was a moment where I said to myself, "I need a meeting. Right. Now." So I went to two. It's been hard to bump up my program while working so much, but I really have been trying to. I need to put myself and my sobriety before anything else. Because whatever comes before me being sober, is the first thing I will lose.

I'm also so sad. Even though I want to join in fuck up my life, I think about it and I don't. I want my friends to get better. I don't fucking want them to die or turn there lives to shit. I care about people in general and I really really love these people. I have high standards for people and the people I'm friends with, are really good fucking people. I don't even have the words to fully express how I feel about this because it's so disheartening. I've seen people die from addiction and I don't want these people to die.

horrible. 

I think I need to start over. Take time for myself again. Re-prioritize. See what's going well and what's not. Maybe punch someone in the face. Jk on the last part.

Lemme just say I am thankful I for christmas for a fucking break. I love my students to pieces, but dealing with them in-itself is hard enough.

That is all, goodnight. Wish things were just this simple,