Friday, November 21, 2014

Really really really really frustrated.

I am really really really really really really fucking frustrated at life.

I'm frustrated with my job, my living situation, my family, friends, the way I'm spending my time. 


We recently did a reflection at a meeting on a song and it was all about maximizing your time.
And it really has had me thinking, and even saying things to my students. The most valuable thing in life you have is your time. You have to spent it as wisely as possible. This is even more true if you have a limited amount of time.

I truly believe, and I do not think I would be doing what I was doing if I did not believe this- inside every person is the strength of 1000. I mean that figuratively and literally. You can literally train your body to do amazing things. You can also move mountains if you really fucking try hard enough.

Because of this, I have high expectations.

Doing what I do can be really fucking frustrating. I am literally trying to get people to do things they do not want to do. And those 'people' are 7th grade, wildly behaved boys. I will go up to a student and tell them to take notes and they will just look at me. Literally not even say no. Just stare and me and try to get me to go away. And my job... is to make them do the opposite. And I believe they can do that. I really do and I will do what it takes to get them to do it. I am annoying and it is sometimes helpful.

But somedays, I just want to give up. I want to give up on a lot of things. I want to throw my hands in the air and say I am done. I am done. I'm done trying. You don't want to do this so why am I even bothering.

But I don't. I might walk away for a minute, but I am relentless and I really try not to give up on people. And in this situation, with these kids, I can't.

But that's not the same for all areas of my life. I think sometimes I do have to give up.

I haven't really delved  too much into the fact that my roommate relapsed.
It's been a little bit exhausting. I mean they do have ALANON meetings specifically for family and friends of addicts and I understand why.
Watching someone spiral out of control, pretty much, and living with it, has been really really hard.
Not only the logistics of having to find a new roommate while my old roommate is in treatment.... but also thinking that my best friend is fatally sick with a horrible disease that I have seen kill people.
That's hard. Worrying about rent is stressful. Thinking your friend could die is horrible.

Sometimes when these things are going on, all of these things at once, I lose a little bit of control. For just a few minutes or hours, I have.... a meltdown. And sometimes people get caught in the cross fire and sometimes I just need to be a little crazy.
Like with this situation- I start to freak out about the fact that half of my apartments rent is almost a month over due versus crying that my friend may never stay sober for a long long period of time.
It's just a lot, and that being one aspect of life.

I'm also annoyed with my brother, which I feel bad posting about but I am annoyed.
All I am going to say is that family, should, always be the 1 priority. Sometimes you put yourself first  when it's crucial but most of the time you put them first and that's final. This is something I have learned and come to really truly value over time so I am trying to ration and think that he is just young but I am frustrated.

I just really felt the need to get this all out because I am bubbling up. I'm brimming with emotion, to say the least.

I'm not spiraling. I'm not losing it. I am in control of my life.
It is true that I need to go to more meetings and take better care myself and do what is the very best for me. But the fact of the matter is I need to figure out how to do that. I need to sit down and figure out how to do what it is that is the very best for me.

I am a firey loud italian, irish, philadelphian, that people a lot of the time think is hispanic. I am loud and pretty emotional.

Let me tell you thought, thank god for taylor swifts new pop album and Nick Jonas' new songs and remixes. Make life a little goddamn bearable.

So I think it is ok that I am feeling like this right now and crying a little. But the fact of the matter is, that I need to take better care of myself. And I need to go to bed.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Jake Murray In The Snow

People around Philly seem to really hate winter. A lot of the people I work with are from warmer areas so they really don't seem to like the cold that much. 



It's not that I love the cold or the winter for that matter, but I do not hate it. Winter reminds me of good things. The smell of the cold air, particularly, I love. It reminds me of Vermont and my years there. I'm not constantly taking sniffs of the air in Philly- because that is a dangerous and repulsive game- but every now and again I get a good smell that transports me to BVT.

The first snow fall in 2011.



The fall and winter really make me miss VT in waves. And I certainly know how to deal with the cold. I have three pairs of winter boots and endless coats.

I also love sweater weather. I think the cold suits me well. I do dislike being tan but I think I look good pale, in braids, a beanie and bundled up in a flannel and sweater.


I battle a bit with seasonal depression (who doesn't) and the long dark nights. Having such good reminders of winter really really helps. Plus it's a good time to be emotional. I can curl up in my bed and be cold and write about how I feel.

And listen to lots of Sam Smith




Snow, on the other hand, I love. Yes, it's a cold, but I love it. I think I have probably written about the silence of snow and how calming and beautiful it is. I don't dread the first snow fall, it excites me. And skiing is obviously something I look forward to. When I look at pictures of Vermont, not even my life there, I miss it so fucking much. Life was so simple and beautiful. Even years later I would still go back there and start my life over. Even if none of my friends were in Burlington, I would go back. Maybe one day, but my life is in PHL now. And when I do move out of Philly I think it will be to start somewhere new. But it will be somewhere beautiful. As much as I enjoy living in a city, I think I need nature and seasons that really pop, like vermont foliage. I digress...

It's just funny that most of my friends from my past life in Vermont chase the winter where as my new friends and people around here are trying to avoid it.

I think it says something about Philadelphia. It's really an interesting city. So very very hot in the summer and the winters are pretty brutal. Such a fickle city.


This city drives me a little crazy. I love the things I am doing, now, and my life as of 2014. But every freakin weekend I see someone from high school, or younger. The other day I saw someone in Dunkin Donuts I hadn't seen my grade school days. I'm learning to deal with it though. Take the goods with the bads.

Even the guy I'm seeing right now I never knew in high school at all but easily could have and he knows a bunch of people I knew in high school...
WAIT WHAT YAB YOU'RE SEEING SOMEONE?!


Yes, yes, I guess that is a good transition into my love life... So I am seeing someone and I've been seeing him for a few months. I don't have too much to report about it now. It's going well... It's been a bit of roller coaster but so has every other aspect of my life for the past few months. He seems to be one of the good ones, but I'm still figuring him out.

I know I know you want to know more but I don't have a lot to say right now because things are going well I think. One thing I can say is he drinks and I don't. Which was bound to happen with someone eventually and it's a brand new game. It's not what I had been looking for. I was hoping to find someone who didn't drink so it was a non-issue and it's not necessarily an issue right now but it can be frustrating. It makes me feel bad for my friends who had to deal with me drunk, but I've also had to deal with my friends drunk since I've been sober and that is even worse.


Like they say, Karma is a bitch.
And at least, for everyone's sake, Philadelphia is not dealing with Drunk Gab... Because that is a force to be reckoned with...



It's nice to have a somewhat normal thing going with a guy, since my internet dating days and other bizarre things I get myself into.

Ayyy yabbers... Ah to be young.

Well stay warm my loves, in the head and heart.


#groundedbyglitter


Thursday, November 6, 2014

Secrets

Big thank you and kuddos to my little sister for showing me this song:





This is the theme song to this blog.