Shit Storms

It's a funny time, in between winter and spring. One day you are in shorts and the next day it's snowing... This could just be the #annoyingphillyweather... but I do think it happens everywhere.
In VT it's called "mud season" and here in Philly, I'm calling it, "pot hole season".

But like I said it seems to be everywhere, from Buffalo, to Maryland, to San Fran...

And maybe it's not so much that there's gross thunder-snow-rain-sun storms going on, as there is shit storms happening.

~maybe it's just life~

Some of my good friends, (from Buffalo, to Maryland, to San Fran and even BTV) are dealing with some really trying shit. And if you've read any of my recent blogs (aside from the Frozen tribute) I've not been strolling through the park either.

But shit gets rough sometimes. Like really fucking rough. Like break down in your car crying, calling your best friend crying, locking yourself in the bathroom crying... Basically a lot of crying.

And it's so easy to see the negative, to point out the really shit shit that is happening.
Being happy and positive is not fucking easy all the time.

Things always, always, always, get worse before they get better.

With the biggest storms, theres bigger clean ups, but eventually brighter days.

Not after every storm there is a rainbow but there is always something beautiful to be found.

Life really kicks our asses sometimes, that much I have learned in the past two years.

O btw I'm 2 years sober today. YAYAY

Oo0oo00o0o0ooooOOOOo0o0

And I would like to particularly pay tribute to these people, who actually this blog was ORIGINALLY written for:

 

I don't know what I would do without my family and my friends, that I consider, family. These people have been huge in my life and I am so grateful to have them.

*side note: I also am extremely grateful to have such a loving, caring and supportive family, particularly mother. If my family wasn't behind me 100% I literally don't know how I would handle life.

BUT I DIGRESS

This post is important to me, not because of my two years sober but because it pains me to hear my friends in pain. I wish I could just hug them until life was better. 

But going through shitty, shit, shit storms makes you a hell of a person. 

No matter what happens, when you come out on the other side you are changed and you learn. 

When you're uncomfortable and doing things you don't want to be doing you are growing up. 

We are all doing a lot of growing. 

I said something to someone today that I really liked, it had to do with dating but I think it applys to life, Now you are in the game. No one wins on the first round, but you have to keep playing. 

College may be over for a lot of you, but you have just started out in life. Keep your heads up my loveys. I believe in you and thank you so much for believing in me. 

xoxo cheers. 

As if A Frozen Song Couldn't Get More Perfect.

Omg stop. I can't even handle this. 

Also I love this. So Much: 

Oh and theres this one:

Break Down

Yesterday. I had a huge break down, and I have a feeling it might not be the last one of the week.

I have all this stuff going on, from a "break up" to a random ass girl telling me that the guy I just broke up with was talking to her the whole time- YA THAT HAPPENED- and I'm quitting smoking and I'M BLEEDING.

I've never constantly talked to a human, everyday for 8 months, in real life or not. So I didn't know how this 'break up' would play out.

I thought if I kept moving, like a mile a minute, everything would be good. I would stay out of my head and in a good place. If I was constantly busy, out of my room, or at the gym, these feelings would go away... things wouldn't hurt so much....

Well, somewhere between the break and the post-finding out what I had with this person could have all been a lie, I lost it.

"Wut? What yab? Whatever do you mean?"

Oh well, let me tell you.

A girl, a reader of this blog, came to me (via facebook) and told me that the entire time I had been talking to this guy... he had also been talking to said girl, having a relationship with her.
I also found out they kissed the same month he sent me flowers for valentines day.

  -_- 

All day yesterday, I was feeling so fucking angry. I knew these were misplaced feelings.
I've heard it said (by my mother) that anger isn't a real emotion. Anger is just sadness and hurt coming out in the wrong way. And I believe that. Every time I'm angry I feel like it is actually something much deeper.
I knew my anger was really me being very deeply hurt but I just couldn't access those feelings. I had resentments piling up.

The entire day I was out of the house and running (literally and figuratively) around trying to be constructive. But by the end of the day, after a red bull (which I do not advise when you are feeling upset) anything would have set me off and something, rather someone, did.

I went to my group therapy to process everything that had happened. A girl in my group said some things to me, in session, that sent me through the ROOF and I, quite dramatically, flipped the fuck out. I screamed, I slammed the door, and I tried to run out but I ended up, of course, hysterically crying.
It turned out to be a productive group but I  was quite embarrassed by the way I acted.

I just feel so stupid and exhausted.
I let this person take advantage of my trust. I told him everything about myself and I found out he was very dishonest with me.

My big, Alisha, told me today I am a person who falls hard. Yes, I'd say this is so. I really try not to but once it happens I get in deep.
This is not something I regret either, I think it is good I was vulnerable and I think that can be a powerful thing.

Life is about those dramatic moments I always say. These are not the type of dramatic things I wish were happening to me.... but I will live and learn. 

Now it's time to slow down. I'm going to relax. Not go a mile a minute... Take some RandR. 

I am doing all the things I need to do to stay healthy and positive. But once in a while you have a breakdown. And this kind of breakdown compared to say... IDK being institutionalized.... is a win. 

The Romantic Gesture

I think the worst part of a break up is not the break up but the realization that it's over.

People get in fights, they argue and make up. But people also break up.

I've never really been dumped. I've had multiple fake relationships where things have just fizzled out.

I've always had to break up with people. I've never wanted to end things with someone, it's always been a had to. 

There was this one guy I use to hook up with and by the end of things I screamed at him to get out of my room. That was the only time I never wanted to see someone again.

This one guy dumped me but we 'dated' for a day and it was the stupidest decision I've ever made in my life.

But I digress.

What I mean is, something I referred to in my last blog post, the "romantic gesture."

I broke up with my internet boyfriend and I'm wishing so bad that he would just show up my door, tell me everything he said was wrong, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, he can't let me go, yada yada ya
But I have to keep reminding myself:
THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. That WON'T HAPPEN.

The boy I broke up with almost four years ago isn't going to magically send me a letter confessing his love for me, or show up at my door either. In fact he's not even going to text me probably because I deleted him on Facebook and he probably thinks I hate him not that I think about him constantly.

The movies confuse all of us. Making us think that there will be these romantic gestures, when the fact is they are a lot smaller.
People are just people. There are no scripts IRL, no writers (except me- and I write after the fact not during, or before, or for the scene).

 "we're not the exception, we're the rule"

That's not to say people don't fight for the ones they love. Yes, I believe in love and romantic gestures are real. But we all can't have these delusions of grander!
But I can say this,
One day I will be the exception for someone. It may not be who I think, or really want it to be, but someone will fight to have me in their life.
And I won't give up on that.

I think the movie He's Just Not That Into You, spells it out for everyone.
People constantly reference it.... Like if you're one of my friends and you tell me one more time, "Oh you need to watch He's Just Not That Into You...." I swear to fucking God I will punch you in the face. YES I'VE SEEN THE GODDAMN MOVIE. But if you haven't you should really watch this.

I will find someone who thinks I'm funny and loves my crazy. Someone who can't live without that. 

I mean, I'm only 23. So it's honestly ok. 

Plus I love myself. I really do. So I will wait and one day I will without out a doubt be the exception. 

But it does hurt. 

When it's totally over. And you realize that. Nothings going to happen. It's just. Over. 

That's the worst part of a break up. 

An Expose on a Koala's Sort-of-Love Life.

Hopefully this makes up for my lack of writing. I have a lot to get out.
But first: Cats and a deer.

UGGGHHH WHERE EVEN TO BEGIN YABBERS?!? 
I apologize that I have not been writing. Having a blog about your personal life is interesting. What part of my personal life do I keep personal?  I guess this is something I struggle with even IRL though. What do I tell people and what do I keep to myself?

We tell different people different aspects of our lives.
My work colleagues I wouldn't divulge about my personal life to... O wait  I have most definitely done that before... many times.
 My best friends know more about me than my acquaintances, obviously.
My sober friends.... well, they know everything about me. We have a common bond and their are no judgements, generally.

So I guess I could say anyone reading this has a common bond with me, a general interest in my personal life. In that case, I will indulge you:


It all started back in July, well I guess you could say it all started a year ago...

March 20th, I will have two years sober. God willing.
My first year of sobriety was entirely focused on myself, which if you are a continuous reader of this blog you will know. I wrote about myself, my journey, feelings, etc., etc. And I grew greatly as a human.

One thing I realized, taking the drink (or pot) away, is that I am scared of humans. I have social anxiety to the T. I am more comfortable on my own then I am meeting new people. So the internet is a safe (not necessarily healthy) outlet for me. I can engage with humans without actually interacting with them.

Now don't get me wrong. I am a social human, fer sure. Ask anyone who knows me. but idk, I'm also a thinker and I get stuck in my head about things. People who know me, again, would say "wuuuuut?" but it's true.

So why is this all relevant you may be asking yourself? What am I trying to get to?

Well after working on myself for a year I started to get lonely a little bit, you could say. I was making lots of new friends but no men I was interested in. So what did I do? I turned to the internet- well not really, actually Tinder.
Human men scare me. Their motives, the way they stare at my boobs or butt, their hygiene, the list goes on. They're sketchy. But I still feel this need to find one I really like and want.

So after a few months of playing around on Tinder, basically just to fill a need, not to actually meet anyone.... I SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY, came across this guy that I actually liked.

This was seven months ago. 

So over the past seven months, I have been talking to this person, everyday, snap chatting and texting. But I have never met him in real life.
Obviously by 7 months feelings have been acquired.
So, I have been basically involved with this person, THAT I NEVER MET.
Now you are probably confused. Lord knows I am.

When we first started talking, he was dying to meet me and I was like, "hells to the no. I don't even know you. You'll probably kill me. You're just keeping me entertained." Then after about a few months, I started to really like him and I was like, "ok. Let's meet."
But I wasn't really ready to do that AND FATE KNEW IT. The day it was suppose to happen, there were a series of unfortunate events, on my end, and it didn't happen.
After that there were a few failed attempts and then a stalemate for a little while.

0ooOo0oH I forgot, he lives two hours away, in the middle of no where PA, so that's why this is so "difficult".

Somewhere along the way, it went from him really wanting to see me, to me really wanting to see him.
The switch totally flipped.
It was like every weekend I was hoping he would come to Philly, but there was always something going on stopping it from happening.

Now at this point a majority of my girlfriends, and therapists, know what is going on with me. And they're like, "what the fuck are you doing?"

Wut is you doing?

Over this span of seven months, I have had other real life guys ask me out and try to hang out with me and I've just ignored it because I was hoping oh so bad it would work out with this human. I know I didn't actually know him but it felt like I did. I really cared about him and I felt he cared about me too. He's nothing I would have ever picked out for myself but he was everything I needed.

Yes, I could have just driven two hours to go see him. BUT I BELIEVE CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD. A BOY SHOULD DRIVE TO A GIRL FOR AN INITIAL MEETING.

So finally, I couldn't take it anymore. Even though my "cyber relationship" was perfect (he even sent me flowers for valentines day) I couldn't continue to live this lie. So last thursday I ended things.


SO NOW I AM DEALING WITH A BREAK UP AND I WASN'T EVEN IN A RELATIONSHIP. or was I ?
Like why do I put myself through these things? I got the bare minimum of a relationship and the full brunt of a break up.

And I didn't even think about how shitty I would be feeling because of all of this.

I knew I had to do this. I had to end things if he wasn't going to meet me in real life. Ok maybe he 'would' meet me. But it shouldn't be that way. I should be 'want' not 'would'.
LIKE I AM SORRY. I do not want to have to coerce you into meeting me.
And I'm not going to sit there and reason with a relationship that's not real. Like if you are comfortable with this and I am not that is just the end of things I am Sorrry.

And now it's like did I just waste seven months? Like ya the relationship was valid and whatever but now I'm never going to meet this person?

And then what if I some how run into him somewhere? Like jesus christ.

Was it all for nothing? 

A part of me is hoping and praying it's not over. Like there will be some wonderful romantic gesture and everything will turn around and work out. But that doesn't happen irl does it?

I forgot how bad this feeling is. The emptiness.
I know I was alone for that whole time, physically, but he was always there. Now, I'm just alone, alone.
I want to be, don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for anything right now. But I use to be comforted by that feeling of alone and independent. Now it just feels eerie and looming.
Like anything, it is a loss.
The only thing that feels good right now is Bon Iver.

There is nothing better, for me, while being sad and listening to good calming music. People in the past couple of days have suggested listening to very uplifting music but I just feel like it's mocking me. 

I will be ok but for right now I just need Bon Iver. 

I also quit smoking a few weeks ago......... For good. I'm not picking that up again. I am stubborn and I will not start again.
Side note: What is helping me through all of this is some new hobbies, including but not limited too: running, working out, eating healthy, crystals and (well not new but of course) Glitter.

So Idk... It just sucks.
I don't want to be feeling this way. I didn't think I would. I just feel so shitty. I'm trying to not be mopey or anything. Just staying active and continuing to be around people. But I don't even know if I should be allowed to be around people right now because I'm just slightly miserable- not completely or entirely, just slightly. I guess the right word would be sad. I'm a little sad.

Thursday night I was just driving home from a meeting and I thought I was entirely fine and then I just started crying hysterically. #ugh

It's funny how I block out these things. The last time I was feeling this way was about three years ago and was also over a person who I thought I had to break up with. I am still not over that person... three years later.

How fucking long is it going to take me to get over this?! Ugh.
I am grateful that I have a higher power in my life that I can turn to and depend on. I just THROW IT UP! Ya know?
Three years ago I was not anywhere near as healthy and strong as I am now.
I just hope things get better not worse.

Well that's it for now my yabbers.
What I feel I should do in my core right now is run away to my beloved #btv and just hug all the people who like me. But idk I'm broke... Still.....