Really really really really frustrated.

I am really really really really really really fucking frustrated at life.

I'm frustrated with my job, my living situation, my family, friends, the way I'm spending my time. 


We recently did a reflection at a meeting on a song and it was all about maximizing your time.
And it really has had me thinking, and even saying things to my students. The most valuable thing in life you have is your time. You have to spent it as wisely as possible. This is even more true if you have a limited amount of time.

I truly believe, and I do not think I would be doing what I was doing if I did not believe this- inside every person is the strength of 1000. I mean that figuratively and literally. You can literally train your body to do amazing things. You can also move mountains if you really fucking try hard enough.

Because of this, I have high expectations.

Doing what I do can be really fucking frustrating. I am literally trying to get people to do things they do not want to do. And those 'people' are 7th grade, wildly behaved boys. I will go up to a student and tell them to take notes and they will just look at me. Literally not even say no. Just stare and me and try to get me to go away. And my job... is to make them do the opposite. And I believe they can do that. I really do and I will do what it takes to get them to do it. I am annoying and it is sometimes helpful.

But somedays, I just want to give up. I want to give up on a lot of things. I want to throw my hands in the air and say I am done. I am done. I'm done trying. You don't want to do this so why am I even bothering.

But I don't. I might walk away for a minute, but I am relentless and I really try not to give up on people. And in this situation, with these kids, I can't.

But that's not the same for all areas of my life. I think sometimes I do have to give up.

I haven't really delved  too much into the fact that my roommate relapsed.
It's been a little bit exhausting. I mean they do have ALANON meetings specifically for family and friends of addicts and I understand why.
Watching someone spiral out of control, pretty much, and living with it, has been really really hard.
Not only the logistics of having to find a new roommate while my old roommate is in treatment.... but also thinking that my best friend is fatally sick with a horrible disease that I have seen kill people.
That's hard. Worrying about rent is stressful. Thinking your friend could die is horrible.

Sometimes when these things are going on, all of these things at once, I lose a little bit of control. For just a few minutes or hours, I have.... a meltdown. And sometimes people get caught in the cross fire and sometimes I just need to be a little crazy.
Like with this situation- I start to freak out about the fact that half of my apartments rent is almost a month over due versus crying that my friend may never stay sober for a long long period of time.
It's just a lot, and that being one aspect of life.

I'm also annoyed with my brother, which I feel bad posting about but I am annoyed.
All I am going to say is that family, should, always be the 1 priority. Sometimes you put yourself first  when it's crucial but most of the time you put them first and that's final. This is something I have learned and come to really truly value over time so I am trying to ration and think that he is just young but I am frustrated.

I just really felt the need to get this all out because I am bubbling up. I'm brimming with emotion, to say the least.

I'm not spiraling. I'm not losing it. I am in control of my life.
It is true that I need to go to more meetings and take better care myself and do what is the very best for me. But the fact of the matter is I need to figure out how to do that. I need to sit down and figure out how to do what it is that is the very best for me.

I am a firey loud italian, irish, philadelphian, that people a lot of the time think is hispanic. I am loud and pretty emotional.

Let me tell you thought, thank god for taylor swifts new pop album and Nick Jonas' new songs and remixes. Make life a little goddamn bearable.

So I think it is ok that I am feeling like this right now and crying a little. But the fact of the matter is, that I need to take better care of myself. And I need to go to bed.