The Whirlwind of Life.

The amount of drafts I have sitting in my blogger is pretty exemplative of my life’s current status. 

The past three months have been a whirl wind to say the least and I have had little to no time to get all of my thoughts on to paper. 

The thing is though, it’s more than not being able to write, because I have written. I have had so many fleeting thoughts about everything. I have been waiting to feel concrete about, well, anything.... I will elaborate.

A typical day for me right now is.... Well that is actually difficult because that’s not a real thing for me anymore. Ok, ok, ok I’ll try:

5:30 first alarm, 6:30 I actually wake up

Catch the bus at about 7:05, get to school at around 7:25 

At school from 7:30am- 5pm (or 6pm)

-get emotionally drained from dealing with a class of ill behaved, yet beautiful 7th grade boys (I love and hate them)

Come home between 5:45-6:45pm

- sometimes have things that go until 8, don’t get home until 9pm

Run errands when I get home, between 7-9pm

Eat dinner between 8pm- 10pm

Debrief on the internet or catch up on TV 

And finally drag myself to bed around 11pm-1am 

Wake up, Repeat. 

It’s exhausting. And that’s a typical day. And I’m not complaining, I’m just explaining. 

This is just an example of a Monday.... It’s cool though because the time flies (usually) and so do the days, but they take a toll for sure. For example it’s Wednesday night around 11pm and I started writing this Monday in the afternoon. I seriously do not know where the time goes.. HENCE WHY I HAVE NOT UPDATED MY BLOG IN THREE MONTHS. (Obviously, I apologize)

Let me explain why my thoughts are fleeting: 

My emotions with my students in the Philly public school system is minute to minute. I have a class of seventh grade boys I follow around all day... This would drive anyones emotions into a frenzy. 

I love my boys so much. They are so amazing. I am learning so much about life from them. They see life in such a different way than I do. 

Today the boys in my school played this song and it really effected me,

They rapped along (knowing all the words) with such gusto. It wasn’t even that they just memorized some rap song, like no not at all. They were filled with passion, it’s like they knew what this guy was saying. 

I, of course... The white girl from the suburbs..., had never even heard this song before. But I could feel the passion not only from the song but emulating out of these kids. I asked one of the students why they all liked this song and they said, “because it tells a story.” 

It is baffling to me that these kids, in 7th grade, can relate to something like this so easily. And it honestly pains me. 

On the bus, I drive through the neighborhoods that these kids live in and have grown up in. It’s Northeast Philadelphia. I’ve driven through these areas in the past but I never had a face to anyone that lived in any of these homes. 

I just want to help them as much as possible. I want to show them that jail should never be an option because they are all so much better than that. I want them to get out of where they came from and live up to the potential that they all have. I want soo much for them. It’s honestly overwhelming. I try not to think about it too much because otherwise I start crying. 

But aside from all that seriousness... Sometimes I want to actually kill them. FOR EXAMPLE, Monday... Oh Monday... We had a substitute. -_- I can not. 

They were totally insane. Running a muck to the highest degree. I kicked two students out. At one point I looked over and a student I work with a lot was laying across two chairs... Just laying down.... I lost it. And by loose it I started laughing and couldn’t hold it back. 

I’ve learned, through these past two months, to really take things with a grain of salt and pick and choose your battles. Life is about bigger things then a student laying across two chairs like a monkey... 

So it's like a constant wanting to kill them or want to hug them into oblivion.

Aside from school... 

Shit’s just constantly nuts... If it’s not this it’s that... 

I had to take four personal days because of this... Someone please tell me what my life is...?

There have been so many things unrelated to school since July that I can’t even remember. Roommate shit, friend shit, family shit, shit, shit, and poop- which is shit. 

But like that’s the things it’s all just shit. 

And maybe this is life. My favorite movie, Love Actually, has this line, “There is always going to be a totally shit time.” And maybe that’s just my life for now and the foreseeable future, or maybe it’s just fucking life. 

I am finally alive again. I am out of my Fuck Yab fucking shit hole of rebuilding... I have gone from negative to positive, from Vermont to home to Philadelphia. Aka college and fantasy life to dose of reality to really living a real life. 
It's a little like this, I have had my mid life crisis already. You who have been reading have seen me through it.
I didn't know where I was going, but I made a plan and I got going. I am now on my way. But the thing is I am just starting to build my foundation for life. I got out of my hole of not knowing what the fuck to do and now I am like ok, it's go time.


This, this real life thing, is what I have been training for for two years. 

And life is fucking hard. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I am so exhausted I can’t even cry so I just say fuck it and order sushi and watch a movie. 

There are so many things I want to put into this blog but I can’t fit all of my emotions from three insane months into one blog post. 

I will make this promise to you yabbers... I am not done writing. I never will be. And I promise I am back. 

I am making a public promise to my readers that my next blog with not have an apology at the beginning because I will stay updated. 

Me promising to you.

Writing for me, to you, whoever you are reading this, is really important to me. It helps me. My life has def been lacking a bit without me making my blog posts AND IT ENDS NOW. 

Like I said before, I am not complaining about anything... I am just explaining.

Something they say a lot in AA is that God does not give you more than you can handle. Although things may seem like a lot there is always a reason you are dealt the cards you have. And you can do it. 

I can do it. I have been doing it. 

I have been happy and 99% healthy, which is good good good for me. Not only have I been happy and healthy but I have been fucking killing it to be honest with you. I am dealing with all of these situations with an air of confidence and grace that I haven’t had before and I am really really proud of myself. 

Things fall into place the way they are suppose to whether you like it or not. 

And things are not perfect right now, but I don’t really think life works that way and I am swimming just fine. 

Oh wow. I haven’t even talked to you about my “love life” at all. Aye, well looks like I am going to need to put up a new post sooner than I thought.... 

#staytuned. 

Also newly obsessed with this, 

(completely unrelated and I hope you enjoy)