Break Down

Yesterday. I had a huge break down, and I have a feeling it might not be the last one of the week.

I have all this stuff going on, from a "break up" to a random ass girl telling me that the guy I just broke up with was talking to her the whole time- YA THAT HAPPENED- and I'm quitting smoking and I'M BLEEDING.

I've never constantly talked to a human, everyday for 8 months, in real life or not. So I didn't know how this 'break up' would play out.

I thought if I kept moving, like a mile a minute, everything would be good. I would stay out of my head and in a good place. If I was constantly busy, out of my room, or at the gym, these feelings would go away... things wouldn't hurt so much....

Well, somewhere between the break and the post-finding out what I had with this person could have all been a lie, I lost it.

"Wut? What yab? Whatever do you mean?"

Oh well, let me tell you.

A girl, a reader of this blog, came to me (via facebook) and told me that the entire time I had been talking to this guy... he had also been talking to said girl, having a relationship with her.
I also found out they kissed the same month he sent me flowers for valentines day.

  -_- 

All day yesterday, I was feeling so fucking angry. I knew these were misplaced feelings.
I've heard it said (by my mother) that anger isn't a real emotion. Anger is just sadness and hurt coming out in the wrong way. And I believe that. Every time I'm angry I feel like it is actually something much deeper.
I knew my anger was really me being very deeply hurt but I just couldn't access those feelings. I had resentments piling up.

The entire day I was out of the house and running (literally and figuratively) around trying to be constructive. But by the end of the day, after a red bull (which I do not advise when you are feeling upset) anything would have set me off and something, rather someone, did.

I went to my group therapy to process everything that had happened. A girl in my group said some things to me, in session, that sent me through the ROOF and I, quite dramatically, flipped the fuck out. I screamed, I slammed the door, and I tried to run out but I ended up, of course, hysterically crying.
It turned out to be a productive group but I  was quite embarrassed by the way I acted.

I just feel so stupid and exhausted.
I let this person take advantage of my trust. I told him everything about myself and I found out he was very dishonest with me.

My big, Alisha, told me today I am a person who falls hard. Yes, I'd say this is so. I really try not to but once it happens I get in deep.
This is not something I regret either, I think it is good I was vulnerable and I think that can be a powerful thing.

Life is about those dramatic moments I always say. These are not the type of dramatic things I wish were happening to me.... but I will live and learn. 

Now it's time to slow down. I'm going to relax. Not go a mile a minute... Take some RandR. 

I am doing all the things I need to do to stay healthy and positive. But once in a while you have a breakdown. And this kind of breakdown compared to say... IDK being institutionalized.... is a win.