Killing it in life... O wait not at all.

You know when yab is blogging a lot, she's suppose to be doing a lot of homework..........

I am half way done an annotated bibliography and I have one cigarette left and it's 2:00am so lord knows I am not leaving my house because lord knows I am not wearing a bra.

Aaand I just uploaded pictures on facebook... KILLING IT LIFE, o wait Not At All.

I should go to bed but I need to finish this work so I will sit here trying to focus but only focusing on the right moment to smoke my last cig and getting little done.

I am getting really stressed out about my life, even though I really shouldn't be at all.

THIS COULD BE BECAUSE IM BLEEDING. 

I just get so emotional this time of month it's, it's, it's IT'S NOT FAIR. 

My conclusions of the night:
I am going to fail out of school, I'm determined to be single forever, and I will never have a job I love. Oh, WHAT ELSE... THE LIST GOES ON.

I am working really hard to be very zen tonight and stay calm but I really just want to FREAK THE FUCK OUT.
I want to cry and be wrapped in my heating pad forever. And like tomorrow is fucking Halloween...
Like I should be really excited about this and I'm not. Halloween is like one of my favorite holidays, not because I get to be a slut but because I get to be a walking joke.
I desperately wanted to be a bag of leaves for halloween, or a loaf of bread or a stop sign, just to see peoples reactions... Like who the fuck is a bag of leaves? Genius.

 Like this is so weirdly amazing...

And tomorrow Rita decided she's coming to Philly, which is amazing, haven't seen my bitch in a hottt minuteeeeeeee but like at the same time. I would rather give out candy. Aka shut the door, turn off the lights and eat as many reese's cups as possible, alone, laughing at children who knock on the door trying to steal my candy. 

Things don't look like they are slowing down any time soon.

LIKE A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO... I HAD... NO LIFE. At ALL. I was crying about not having a life. I was accepting that shit was miserable and not going to get better. NOW I ALL THE SUDDEN HAVE THIS BUSY LIFE... like I did not sign up for this. 

Sometimes it just feels good to complain.

Thanks for listening.
I'd say it's time to kill the last cig.

Drugs, Friends, Food

I went to #btv this weekend, always quite a trippp man....
but no I did not trip. I did take a trip yes, to burlington but no drugs for me, although they were, as always, everywhere.

Burlington really is a drug friendly city. Good drugs, clean drugs, dirty drugs, mild, hard, they're all there. I'm sure you can find a mutlitude of drugs in any city and maybe it's just the people I know... but I just always encounter drugs in this city.
Even when I first visited Champlain college with my mom the smell of pot was evident. Sometimes whole streets in Burlington reek of pot.

Burlington is obviously a trigger for me. The people I don't want to see, the houses I use to get fucked up in, the drama, the drugs...
I am at a point now, though, where that stuff doesn't matter. I am really happy with life and I don't want to get fucked up. Don't get me wrong the smell of sweet mary jane is so enticing but I know what I have to lose and that I have very little to gain with that stuff.

It is nice to be in VT and see old sights. Old places I loved, like My Little Cupcake, and people that have helped me be a better person.

Although people are constantly fucked up in Burlington they still manage to be cool humans, most of the time...
Every time I go to burlington there are at least three people that give me props and tell me they admire me for my sobriety and what I'm doing, which is really cool in my eyes.

I don't know how many times I will go back to Burlington, VT. The number is definitely limited. There's not much left for me there.
It's an interesting vibe this last visit.

People are either still in college- about to enter the real world, lingering in burlington after college, or have entered the real world in Burlington. Some people love where they are at, emotionally and physically, and others absolutely hate it.

I am really glad I got out of Burlington. I'm glad I don't pine for it anymore. It's good to miss it because I really had something to miss but it's fading now, it's not the same.

I will say though, I am extremely proud of my best friends in Burlington. They are doing amazing things. From putting on music festivals, start up business projects, to landing jobs and being dedicated and working hard to finish school. I am so happy to have them in my life and love that they are doing amazing things with theirs.

I am happy to be in Philly. I am happy to have a life I care about building and making better. I am happy to have friends, and that I am constantly making new ones.


Life is good for now. And I'm really happy about that.

I will say, I did a lot of eating this weekend, and everything was delicious. NOT JUST CUPCAKES, but mostly the cupcakes.

Falling For Fall

Fall was not always my favorite season. It use to be summer, what child doesn't live for the care free days the heat brings.

Summer is a lazy time, it's hot and sticky. I use to love lazing about doing nothing and looking hot (pun intended). Somewhere along the way my thinking has changed. I've gone from Babuh, to young women.

Now, I am a mature adult. ...Or at least on my way, this season of change is really becoming on me.

Change is not always easy, but without going out of your comfort zone you do not grow.

Autumn is the season of change. I guess you could say that about every season because every spring, summer, fall and winter the weather and landscape changes in some aspect. However, when I think of change I think of fall.

A lot of things in my life have taken a turn for the better. My therapist said today that I am "killing it in life". That felt good.
I am a full time person in life. I work part time, I'm a student part time, I babysit whenever I can, and I still maintain my sobriety.

A lot of things have changed for me particularly these past six months, but drastically this season. I am still working hard on keeping everything together, things are not smooth by any means but everyday things seem to get a little easier, or there is a curve ball thrown my way...

I now like doing things that change my life. Before change really freaked me out and scared me. Recently I have been saying yes to a lot of things and I like the changes that have occurred.

Although fall is closer to the end of the year it always seems like the beginning of new things to me. School starts, summer ends, things get serious. It's an interesting time. Everyday is a good day to seize the day, but fall is good for figuring things out, getting adjusted and making changes. 



Let me list the reasons I love fall now:

I love the smells in the air. Wether it's just the weather or burning leaves, I love it

I love that colors that are everywhere.

Apples, Pumpkins, Gourds

Sweater Weather

for girls....

and boys. 

Floppy wool Hats

Firepits and blankets

Corn mazes and hay rides

Fall Fashion

Holidays: HALLOWEEN, TURKEY DAY

and beautiful folliage trips to Burlington, VT.


I am suppose to go to Burlington this weekend and I simply do not know what to do.
Financially it's quite a trip, food, gas, it adds up. I just don't know.
I already told some of my good friends I was coming and they are looking forward to me coming so I don't want to let them down.
Also Burlington is always an emotional trip for me. I either re-fall in love with the place or cry because it's so hard to be there.

I'm going to sleep on it and decide.

I mean I think there is a big sense of yolo that needs to be brought in here but at the same time I am trying to be rational.



If all else fails I have Bevin

Please Excuse Me

I am so sorry I haven't written in so long, I have been a busy bird.

A quick few things:

Miley Cyrus.

I haven't talked about this bitch and I'm still up in the air what I think about her. Although I do think Miley desperately needs a new stylist, her new album is killing it. She has songs featuring Nelly, Big Sean and this ditty with Britney:

If you hate Miley, like I sometimes do, you will probably love these two innocent beauties I stumbled upon,

Like they are to cute to fucking handle. 

That is all I'm updating you of as of right now. 

I'm putting up a post in five minutes SO HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS. 

Just a quick PSA For Bitches Who Think They're the Shit.

I don't like it when people aren't nice to my friends. It's not even that I don't like it, it's that I simply won't stand for it.

I set the bar high in all aspects of life. I am selective in the people I choose to be my friends.
The criteria is not superficial, it is based on integrity.
It takes me a little while to warm up to people, it's like a process.
First I meet someone. Then I decide in my head if they are a good human, this can take an allotted amount of time, from a week to possibly a year depending on the human.
Once there is a mutual agreement of good friendship, I then love them. And true love lasts a lifetime. This undertaking can vary.
Sometimes the attraction is quick and the love long lasting. On occasion a friendship is short lived, then we both move on. This doesn't mean the love wasn't real. People come in and out of your life for a reason. However, I believe true love does not fade. Real friendships are rooted in deep love, trust and care.

Girlfriends

*My friends*

Life is about love. 

But I digress.

I am not one to talk behind people's back, especially at this point in my life.
 More over and most importantly, I do not stab the people I care about in the back, with words or actions.

I really do not stand for people who I like to talk about the other people that I like behind their backs. It is simply unacceptable. 

wtf.

Things happen, people fight, I understand that. But when you go out of your way to make my friend, or friends, feel bad I will not tolerate it. 

I've always said. I am not always nice but I am never mean. If you're going to be mean, you can simply, go fuck yourself.
I don't really care what people think about me.. if you haven't noticed... and there is only a few select bunch who I care about what they think of my actions.

To sum up what I am trying to get across and put it simply, all of you, well, bitches, *note not betches* who think you are fucking cute and everyone likes you... and you think your shit don't stink...and you think you can say whatever you want about whoever you want... just be warned, to stay out of my way. It's not cute.

Friends, helping friends, help friends.