Exit Only.

I don't really like leaving door ajar. I like doors opened and then closed.

I'm either in or out.

When I'm doing something I either go balls to the walls or not at all. Even if my full attempt is for a mere two seconds, I go as hard as I can. At least I try to.
If I don't think I'm going to be the best at something I will be very reluctant to do it.

This particularly pertains to my relationships.

I don't like the limbo.

....Which I find getting myself stuck in constantly because I have these fake relationships.

Guys don't even take the time to break up with me, they just stop talking to me. Usually because we weren't even really ever together.


"You're always trying to break up with me and we're not even together."
-Claire Elizabethtown

The main reason this keeps, constantly, happening is because I don't talk about my feelings or let people tell me theirs. I just don't want to go their.
No, no, no. I will write you a letter and then not discuss it, I will act like I love you and then run away, but I will not tell you how I am feeling.


I think I really will be forever alone because I just sit there and let people pass me by.

It's annoying too *on a side note* because some people say oh forever alone and they've had, oh and will have, relationships.
I actually will be forever alone. 
I haven't talked about this, or bitched about this in a while, because I've been trying to stay positive and focus on the less superficial things that concern my life but today has been the shittest of days- sorry yesterday- and I just want to bitch.

I would rather cut ties with someone then have a conversation and say how I feel about this or that. I'd rather defriend someone then deal with the fact that I miss them. Hear no evil, feel no evil- in my book.

"You know, there is nothing greater than deciding in your life that things maybe really are black and white!" "You shouldn't be the substitute for anybody."
- Drew Baylore Elizabethtown

There is no limbo for me. FUCK THE LIMBO.

It's my fault though too.  I think I'm still just at a bad girl at heart. In the sultry words of our beloved, controversial, bad bitch, Rihanna: "I've never made love but I know how to fuck."

Fuck in all senses of the word. Like fuck with and... Well... Fuck. 

But I'm growing up and I don't really fuck so much anymore... In any sense of the word actually. 

I know this. I deserve to be with someone who wants to keep the door wide open, no if ands or butts. I have high standards and I am fine with that. I am allowed to be picky. I am allowed to close doors. Especially if once a door is closed a boy doesn't try to knock or open it again. Then, well then, that door deserves to be locked.

The right man will find the key to my heart. He won't even need to knock or ring the door, he's key will open that door right up.

Waiting Is An Action

I got into a fight with my mom this week. Not a physical fight- please. Obviously a vicious verbally abusive battle.

I'm not going to go into to the logistics of it- although my initial thought mine was to write a blog post about the whole situation. That would have been reactive. I am trying not to be reactive.
Even though I did react...and I called her a bitch over the phone and I feel horrible. I apologized. But that is what happens when you react... nothing good.... nothing.

I was really upset at the beginning of the week. First I was crying myself to sleep, then I was letting out  blood curdling screams in my car.

At this point I've cooled down. However, I am still feeling very defensive.

I have a therapy session with my Mom tomorrow that we scheduled Tuesday. The communicating, or lack thereof, that was happening was..... just.... well.... nothing. It was very clear that nothing was going to get accomplished.

So, I haven't really talked to my mom since Tuesday.

I like to think I have a rather close relationship with my mother. You might says she's the human I am most close with... without a doubt.
We are very similar, and extremely different in other respects.

Not talking to my Mom for several days has been really hard for me. After everything that has happened to me in the past year...or four years... I still really need my mom. I don't know if it's so much that I need my mom or I just want my mom.
It's actually a real thing. Commonly, after traumatic experiences, such as IDK... being in a mental institution and being completely insane, people tend to either deflect their mothers or really need them. I want to simply crawl back into the womb.

It's hard for me to not talk to my mom for even a day because I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.  I don't like being on bad terms with any of my family members.
There are people in this world I don't mind not talking to, in fact, ever again. When it comes to my family, I want to tell them everyday how much I love, appreciate and need them.

I talked to my therapist and he said it was ok to not talk to my mom for a couple of days. "You don't have to talk to your mom everyday." Ok. ya true.

On the flip side, I want to be totally separate of my mother. I so badly want my own life and I'm working hard to achieve that. The only way I can achieve that is One Step at a Time.

Someone else told me that waiting is an action. I liked that. Patience is hard for me, it's definitely something I'm working on.

But tomorrow is Saturday, and  I don't have to wait anymore so I guess I should just go to bed.

Nothing bad will come out of this session. Things will be resolved. Because, because, I love her.

Goodnight.

Doo Wop

O Hot Dayum

My poor little blog. I have been neglecting you so much this summer. I apologize for not being as yabby as I should be and not updating you constantly, little blog. I love you very much and always will.

In actuality I have been writing a lot and formulating ideas for posts, I just haven't been publishing anything. I haven't felt tres inspiration from many things lately, well as much as I have in the past.

so busy.

I also have been working on my irl life, versus internet life.
I've been reading lots, going to group and working on therapy, working the steps with my sponsor, making new friends, trying to get a job and moving.

Let me go into depth a little more with all that.

So ya'll know, if you read this, that I do a lot of therapy. This summer I've been doing group therapy that I really enjoy and find very helpful in the continuation of my sobriety as well as growth and development. Also I've made some friends.
I also have actually had friends this summer because my old friends are finally home. YAY FRIENDS.

So I lost my job. I lost my job. I LOST MY JOB. I don't think it's something to really dwell on. I'm trying to learn from the experience and move forward. I have been babysitting a lot this summer but I need a more consistent job, and I'm pretty sure I've found one.

I interview at a salon, for a receptionist position, last Saturday, had a second interview monday and I'm observing the front desk tomorrow. SO I GOT IT. YA GIRL. WOO. ~pep talk~

The salon is closer to my Dads, and I've been having trouble living with my Mom, so I'm trying out living at my Dad's. Which has been a process. I rearranged my room and had to move stuff over here and I'm not done yet. But hopefully this is good.

THATS ABOUT ALL THATS GOING ON.

I'm working on some think pieces for FuckYab, so stay tuned.

And remember, if you're feeling flightly... just try to stay...

#groundedbyglitter.