Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Gab. You're Yelling.

I think something that is important to reiterate to myself, all the time, is that I'm actually crazy.


It's in my blood.


Maybe this is part of being an alcoholic- or that's a better way to describe it. I guess just think differently then a lot of people.

I think a lot of things are really, really hysterical. Including, but not limited to, Gabriella Koala. I also take life to seriously at times.

I've decided to make a promise to myself, to accept my craziness and motha fuckin own it. I, mean, I definitely do this already but not all of the time.
I hold back a lot of myself around new places and in public- Although my friends would say that's a lie because I tend to embarrass them in public. I think it's important to have will power to resist the urge to do certain things but also I whole heartedly and completely believe that life is too short to be too sane.

So if I want to have pink hair and scream and shout I am going too. Don't try to tell me I'm too loud, I'll just yell in your face.

Sometimes when life falls apart you just have to accept it and not blame yourself.

Things aren't perfect for me right now. I thought by getting sober, and at this point in my journey, life would become easy and dandy. That is absolutely not the case.

But I am doing the best to deal with life.

I'm definitely too impulsive at times. I love to do things just for the reaction. I will try to keep that under control. At the frendly gathering I ate candy for half of the day and lost my shit during Kat Wright... ask +Rita Caufield. Talk about a sugar high.... I was like a god damn five year old who just had their first jumbo pixie stick. But ya kna, sorry I'm not sorry.

I WILL NOT STIFLE MY INNER CREATIVE JUICES... wut.


I always say, I would be perfectly comfortable in solitary confinement. It would be a blast. Luckily, I have really cool friends and they think I'm funny (90% of the time). 

I think I'm going to wear my tiara for the remainder of the day. I hope the kids I'm babysitting can deal with that. 



Sunday, July 21, 2013

Even The Best Men Go Bad

I was inspired by Elvis Presley today, but I can't help but think how TERRIBLY HORRIBLE HE TURNED OUT IN THE END. 











 That is all.

Maybe I'm better off single anyway... If this is the way the King turned out, I'm happy to not be dragged down by a crown.
No, no, no we can not go on together with suspicious minds, so I'll be going now.



Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Meltdown Status

This is me.

I want to go around my house and knock over every lamp. I want to throw the kitchen knives into a door. I want to throw all of the food out of the refrigerator and dump it all on the back deck.
I am not a happy camper.



I've been babysitting the past couple of days, the children have been difficult to deal with, but I have been getting paid very well so I'm not complaining... O WAIT I AM. I am constantly asking myself if I will be a good mother and not knowing with the answer.  I'm over a week of quitting cigarettes and it feels worse then the first day... o and I'm like 15 and a half months sober.
I need a cig and a drink.
Someone shoot me now.




I can't take living in my house anymore. Maybe it was the week of having the house to myself last week, when the rest of the family was in Maine, that is making it extremly difficult dealing with everyone that is now in my house...

IDK I JUST, I JUST, I CAN'T DO THIS.

I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO EXPLODE.

I'm trying to save money to get an apartment but I just want to buy every item of clothing I see online.

Maybe I'm not actually an alcoholic but a shopoholic... actually I'm just both.

I'm all of these things: HUNGRY, ANGRY, TIRED, and LONELY.

Which is a deadly combination.

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.


So what am I doing? 
I'm ranting, shopping online- for apartments and clothes... both of which I WILL NEVER HAVE- and I'm complaining about all of these things to everyone I know. 

Monday, July 8, 2013

I Just. I Just. I Love Them.

I'm in the process of making new friends and forming tighter relationships with good people.

Recently I've met some kids from Temple, which is really cool, but I like really miss my friends.

I saw a bunch of my old friends from VT last weekend at The Frendly Gathering (if you want the full story check here) but I want to see my best friends.

I miss my soul mates.













I just love them. 

Luckily I have a few of them around, Emma and Victoria, and I saw Rita for a couple of days last week.

But I really miss some of my girlfriends. I just want to hold them in my arms.

It also doesn't help that I've been feeling really lonely.

I've been alone for a really long time. Like a really long time.
Some of my friends and I joke around saying "forever alone" but it's like at the point where it's not funny anymore. I've never had a serious relationship, mostly due to the fact that I avoid physical and emotional connections. But I've been changing over the past year... a lot...

I think I'm finally ready to let someone into my life. I don't wanna play the run around with anyone anymore. I think if the right person comes into my life I'll finally be able to let them in verses all the years I've pushed people away.

Now it's just finding the right person.

I've had a really shitty and good week all rolled into one. Hopefully this week will be slightly better.

I have a summer cold and I want to punch someone in the face. But I will not.
I will try to smile tomorrow.



Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Positive Things Happen to Positive People

Today should have been a fuck everything day.

However, it was not.

It was a day of gratitude and focusing on what I want.

This morning, I got fired from my job... Fuck everything right... NO NO NO THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

I am thankful I am out of a job I didn't love, I am thankful for my supportive family and friends- especially my brother because if he wasn't home I'd be alone in my house (SHOUT BRUCE_LEE), my dogs for loving me so much constantly, I'm thankful there are jobs that are already coming my way.
Honestly, I'm also thankful that I'm still sober and that the combination of the difficulties of this weekend plus this combined has not lead me to a drink.
I also quit smoking cigarettes on Friday and I'm very thankful for my electronic cigarette.


Luckily this was an internship. I learned a lot, mostly what I do not want to do. It was fun being in an office environment but the drama was a little much. I liked working with a computer but not at doing something so mundane.

I really had been thinking that I wanted to move on from this position. I didn't think I would be let go, that was very upsetting, but everything happens for a reason.

The past couple of months I have felt many doors opening, and as @alishadurgin said "...maybe it's the universes way of ending that chapter for you."

So I'll take that.

By next Friday I will have a job situation set up and this fall I will have a more suitable internship for me.
That is that.

I just watched this documentary...twice... called The Secret. If you don't know what The Secret is you should check it out.
It's about the power of thoughts and the mind, specifically positive thinking. POSITIVE THINGS HAPPEN TO POSITIVE PEOPLE.

I can see my dream job in my head. I can see my office, what I'm wearing, and feeling like I'm really doing something- not just doing something, but something I love.

I will not beat myself up about this. I will move forward and grow.

No I in Frend.

I was one of those kids that you could see running around at music festivals, even more then just music festivals. My Dad and step-mom are very artsy and exposed me to good music and food at a young age. The arts are a big part of our lives. I've always gone with them to arts fesitvals and concerts. I can't remember my first time seeing live music or camping.

Last summer I wasn't really able to go to any concerts or do any festivals but like I said in my last post this summer is extremly different from the last.

A couple of years ago I went to the Phish music festival, Super Ball, with my dear friend Allison. I think that might have been my first music festival without my parents.
It was super fun but we did get there late and leave early, so that was kind of a bummer.

This weekend I attended my first sober music festival- but I guess that's not really true since, like I said, I went to them as a kid... but you know what I mean.

I wasn't really nervous about going to this festival, The Frendly Gathering, because I don't need drugs or alcohol anymore to have a good time. I did prepare myself that I would be tempted to do things but I knew I would be able to handel myself. However, I was extremely unprepared for this experience, literally and physically.

Let me start at the very beginning, because that is a good place to start... (anyone get that?)

Friday:
Woke up at 5am, got a speeding ticket in New York, ran over a turtle on a Vermont highway, finally arrived at Magic Mountain parked the car and waited in a two hour line to get to where we were camping... no cell service.
Found our camp site... after much searching... and proceeded to set up our tent, which took far too long.
People at this point started drinking, if they weren't drunk already. Then finally we went down to the main stage at the bottom of the mountain and heard some tunes. I ran into one of my favorite humans in the world, +Zachary Allott. That was probs a highlight of the day.
It had rained the night before and it was quite moist everywhere. O so then... IT STARTS DOWN POURING.
There were around 20, give or take, people in the group I was camping with. When it started raining we all huddled around the pop up tent and handels and beers started getting passed around. I took a step back and literally just walked out into the rain on my own.
I had my bathing suit on and a festival to explore. It was actually awesome walking around in the rain. I ran into some of my babuhs and buddies.
After the rain subsided we saw some more music and I changed into a few more outfits. There were several times I wandered off on my own.
By late night I was tired but it was good to be surrounded by so many frends.
One thing I've never noticed before was that drunk people can be really rude. At this point people were getting annoying and rude so I decided to go to bed. I went into my tent and I stumbled upon a puddle directly in the middle of my tent OH JOY. I cleaned it up with towels and then got into my sleeping bag... which was sopping wet.... I started silently, but surely, crying.
The day was just too much to handel.
So I prayed, read a reflection book that I had with me, and thought about all the things I appreciated about that moment and the overall day. I just prayed that I could sleep through the night.
Over all Friday was horrible. 








Saturday:
I woke up Saturday to Rita screaming my name. I slept through the entire night which was good. Miraculously I had cell service so I called my mom and told her how things were not going well...
I was planning on this trip being difficult because of temptation not because of dealing with other people. All of my triggers were around me- from dealing with the cops, to dealing with people I hate- but I was really proud of how I handled myself.
After bacon was made and consumed, a group of us ventured to a lake and then a VT farmers market. This morning set the day off on a totally different foot. When we got back the sun was shining and glitter was shimmering. We went down to a pond and watched Twiddle preform and it was the most hippy dippy thing I've ever seen.
The Burton main stage smelled like pure shit but the music sounded good. My dear friend, and inspiring entrepreneur, (Mr. Brian Sommers) went on a rigorous hike, met some people, and had some good talks. Then we ventured back to my campsite then off to see more music.
Like Friday, there were several times I wandered off on my own during shows like Conspirator. It was nice to just not be surrounded by people and step back and watch the craziness that was ensuing. It was really fascinating. It really would have been nice to have someone to wander off with but I am also happy with my best friend... Yup. Me.
All of the performances on Saturday were really cool and I all together had a much much better day. The cherry on the top was being front and center for @paperdiamond. I womped my face off.
Over all Saturday was pretty awesome. 







Burton Tent- made a dream catcher... CRAFTS. 














Sunday:
We got packed up and on the road by 9:30am, and home to PA by 3:00pm.
When I got home I was exhausted physically and emotionally.


So overall...
It was about a 7 out of 10 for a weekend.

It was wonderful to see my friends, but hard to be around them while they were so fucked up.
Being surrounded by music I knew I there would be no way I wouldn't have had a good time.

I will def go to another festival when I can but next time I will hopefully have a buddy.
No drugs and I still look insane.