Head First

Well hello my Yabbers. I must say I am so sorry I haven't been blogging. I've been very busy, which is new for me, and I haven't been making time for FuckYab.

It seems I finally am starting to have a life again. This could be for a number of reasons.
First of all, it's summer. For some people summer is a time to relax- and it's not like it's not a time to relax for me-, but summer is when I shine. There are concerts to be seen, sun to be bathed in, work to be done- full time-, and friends are around.

I've always had friends around but with my lovely graduates fresh out of college it's great to have a lot of people in closer proimiety to me. Over the past year I also declined a lot of invitations to do things. Now, I've made a commitment to saying yes. I'm jumping into the cold water and facing my social anxiety to hopefully minimize it, BAM

Last summer ('12) was a time of serious seclusion and recovery, this summer is different. It feels like it's going to be a good summer, which is ironic because it's summer '13 (unlucky) but I'm feeling lucky ladies and gents!

The second reason I could be starting to have a real life again is because I have been entered back into the program (AA), slowly but surely. I have a meeting I go to every Thursday, and I just went to a Monday meeting that I'm gonna start hittin.

It's still very nerve racking and uncomfortable for me to make friends and mingle sober but I'm trying to dive into the cold water. I go to group therapy twice a week and I'm contributing lots. I'm still not sharing in meetings but I did finally go up and get my one year coin this past Thursday when I celebrated 15 months.
Just getting up and walking in front of everyone was very scary for me. Even though I try to remember that everyone else is probably just as unsure of meeting new people as I am, I still feel very different and, well, new to the program.
But I am meeting people. I'm saying yes to doing new things rather then sit at home and wonder how things would have gone.




It's been a long time since I've actually had my days fully filled. For a little while I had a fear that would never happen again, or at least not for a long time. Life definitely isn't the same as it was when I was constantly surrounded by people I new and was so comfortable with in Burlington. I don't know if I'll ever have that agin. I think I will conquer other cities, starting with philadelphia, but Burlington will always be and stay my first love and introduction to familiarity.
I don't pine for Burlington like I use to, thank God that that's over.
I see Burlington for what it was/ is: beautiful and intoxicating. I will always love that city but I'm happy I'm growing up from it.

I will keep you more updated on how this summer goes because I feel like it is going to be interesting. I can't foresee what's coming but I'm excited. I no longer have a feeling of warning uncertainty. I am following my intuition into an unseen and unimaginable bright future.





And I do this by staying #groundedbyglitter.

Time to Jump In. 

Time to Let Go.

Soaoao...

It takes me a really long time to get over things. I can't help it. I hold on to shit and don't let go.
There is this one particular person that it has taken me a really long time to get over.

One day I had this moment where I thought I was just over it... then a week later I wasn't.
I mean it's not like I didn't move on, I just wasn't fully over it.
Now, I really don't care. 

For a long time I envisioned the timing being right between me and this guy and it being magical and perfect. I don't want that anymore.

I was always scared to confront my feelings about this situation, my friends would say that's total bullshit because I talked about him for a long time. I heard a girl say the other day that she was in love with a guy that didn't love her back. I don't want to feel that way, and I don't think I ever had time to love this person. I just thought about the sort-of relationship for a long time, over thought it- over analyzed. And maybe I was a crazy girl about it, I don't think I was. But I did refuse to let go.

Now, I can happily say I would never want to get back with this guy ever.
Not only saying that, but really feeling that way, opens so many doors. It's like a huge wait off my shoulders actually letting go.

Time to let go. 

If you see my driving around town you will likely hear me singing this song at the top of my lungs:

I just freaking love Miss Lovato. Her latest album is like my crack. I  JUST LOVE GIRL POP MUSIC. Demi helps me to be the Warrior I strive for.

I'd also like to mention Miley Cyrus' new video because it's simply out of control. I mean it's like FuckYab summed up in a music video. I hate Miley Cyrus but this video is so fucking cool.

Stop, O, Wait a Minute

I tend to jump the gun. Like, planning out things in my head, especially in regards to what people are going to say. I have full on conversations with myself of what I think will happen with someone, somewhere.

Constantly I'm get ahead of myself but I'm learning to value pauses.

Sometimes pauses, especially the awkward ones, make me uncomfortable...to say the least. It makes the wheels in my head start to churning.
I'm finding that if I just actually pause, and not plan out, it's usually better then getting ahead of myself 

I use to not value the in between because when you're in the middle you can't  alway see above or below clearly. I think that's really important.

It's ok to not know what's going to happen.

You have to live in the moment 

Because you can't see the future, as far as reality goes, and you can never get back the past. 

I don't want to tell you why I've been thinking about this...
but obviously I'm going to...
It's because I've become addicted to the app tinder. Yup. Lonely girls looking for a man. Not actually, it's just fun to talk to people.
I use to be asked a question, give an answer and not really wait for a response, just immediately ask a question in return.
Now I give a response and wait to see what someone has to say back.

I've also been putting myself out there IRL and talking to new people. When I first started doing this- which was a big step because I was a shut in for a little while- I was very over-conscious of the pauses in between questions and conversation.

But I'm seeing that they are just a part of life.

My dear friend @lissyturner sent me this quote that's super applicable:

"If we want food, we order it online and have it delivered. If we want to listen to our favorite song, we find it on YouTube, iTunes or Spotify. If we want to watch a movie, we either buy it on demand or stream it online. If we want sex, we masturbate. If we want to have a good time, we do drugs. We have this false belief that doing things faster will give us a life more fulfilled — that it will lead to us being happier. But that isn’t the case. Most of us aren’t happier. We do more, but we experience less. We are never in the moment because we are always considering what we will be doing next in order to not become bored.

• Character is most often built during those moments between activities, during moments of solitude and reflection. Men no longer feel the need to pause and reflect because the options for whatever it is they want are only a click away. The options are endless and therefore we never truly experience disappointment."
  (That's from elitedaily.com)

Enjoy the pauses because soon they will be over and you will have to deal with what you're dealt. It's ok to not jump the gun, or even be stuck in the middle grown because things are still happening.

In the wise words of +Zachary Allott : Bere here now.