Starting Over

I didn't relapse hold the phone, but for a while I have been at a standstill.

I made it to a year sober, yay...

glitter for one year.

But like, what am I doing? 
I don't go to meetings, have a sponsor, and I haven't gone through the steps. So like what am I actually accomplishing?

For a while I had the mind set that I would go back to drinking. I thought I'd complete a year and then I'd get back into it again. I didn't think I'd go out and get inebriated but I def was planning out summer events were I planned to be drunk.
Before that, I needed to prove to everyone and myself that I could live without alcohol, which I did. I made it to a year.
Somehow however, my thinking changed before I got to March 20th.
I'd say around January, I started to think that maybe, I wouldn't drink after a year.  I started to like the way things were going really well, for a change.
The desire to get fucked up was still there, of course, but the pros out wayed the cons.
However, I was not focusing on recovery.

So a couple of weeks ago I was in the right place at the right time.

the sky aligned, 

right place, right time.

timing is everything.

I went over to my aunt and uncles for a family bbq and ran into my first alcohol counselor. I hadn't seen this woman since right before I left for college and I was a mess. At that time I was fighting with my parents about wether or not I would do an out patient rehab program in vt while I started school. I was determined to get as far away from this woman as possible. Now, I was so surprised and happy to see her.
She casually asked me how I was doing, probably noticing the plastic cup in my hand and thinking there was something other than water in it. I started talking to her, telling her I moved home and was going to Temple, which she seemed suprised about. Then I told her I was a year sober. She was stoked, like so stoked. She told me she had a couple of Temple students at the program I use to go to (which is for teens and young adults) and to come by and meet some people.
I told her I def would. I also said to her that I don't go to meetings and she said there was a meeting right after group I could go to if I wanted to.
I thought well..... why the fuck not.

So this thursday I got in my car and drove over to my old stompings grounds, to this time maybe not be so much of a little stubborn bitch.

I'm past the point were I don't want help. I need help, constantly, with my life and everything else. I'm not helpless, but I'm willing to ask for help and go get help when I need it....... most of the time.

So after group I went to an AA meeting.

OMG. First one of the year.
It was awesome.

The past meetings I have been to, which have been like a handful, I've definitely related to people but I've never felt comfortable. This was the first time I wanted to keep coming back.
The meeting was full of young people, which was a sigh of relief for me. During the meeting, I silently decided I needed to get a sponsor. I knew who I wanted to talk to afterwards about becoming my sponsor. After the meeting I ran towards her and faced my fears and asked her to be my sponsor.

So I got a sponsor! 

I'm super excited about all this. I went to a meeting last night and am going to another one tonight.

I think I was half ass-ing it until now... obviously I was. I like to minimize my problems.
When I think about how I use to party, I think about just that... the party, not the hangover.

In order for me to complete my goals and more importantly stay out of the hospital I have to stay healthy and sober.

Going back to the begining song in all this. "If I can be an example of getting sober" which I've now done, "then I can be an example of starting over". I want to be someone people look up to and learn from. One of my favorite things to do in life is help my friends through the experiences I have and the things I've been. Now, I'm, as they say, gaining the tools for my tool belt to do just that.







What a fucking cheese ball way to end a post.

Gatsby and Daisy

I guess I'm not really sleeping tonight...

Which is kinda ok because it's offically summmmmmer '13

Tonight I saw the 9:30 showing of The Great Gatsby, by one of my favorite directors, Baz lauhzerman, with my seester and brother. 

I just want someone to love me as much as Gatsby loved Daisy.

IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
My sister said that one day someone will love me that much and she said it will be my cats.

I think Gatsbys love was so deep and sincere. He did everything, like everything, for Daisy.
Not to be confused as "he did everything for her", like incapacitated her, but everything he did was for her.
There's a line in the film where Nick says something about the way Gatsby looked at Daisy. He looked at her in the way every girl wishes a man would look at her. I'm still waiting for that look.

I want someone to truly deeply love me. Not in a creep stalker way but a true, sincere way.

Like every time he says I love you it's as if he has been holding it in forever because he can't tell you every second of every minute, and he's constantly telling how beautiful you are not because he wants to get in your pants because it's just what he sees.

And there is a difference from infatuation and real love.

Loving someone deeply is more than wanting them so badly. It's wanting them to be happy and doing whatever it takes to make that happen. Wanting to be with them forever. Even if love is fleeting, the feeling of wanting to be with someone forever should be there even if it's for a brief moment.

I don't know much about love because the few times I have experienced it I have been young and the feelings have been brief.

I do know I will continue to hope for a love so great it's beyond my imagination. All I can do is give out the love I have and get what I deserve in return. Keep the bar set high.
I don't want someone who is going to try and change me or steer me in a different direction from where I'm going. There is however, always room for improvement. I do want someone who makes me want to be a better human and who can also learn and grow from me.

But I know I will never be a Daisy. 

I'm too much of a Rose.

 

I also secretly don't really mind that I'm single right now. And I in fact know why I'm single right now, thanks to my beloved Thought Catalog.

41 Reasons Why You’re Still Single 

 I'd like to point out that I watch to much Felicity, my imaginary boyfriends are constantly breaking up with me and settling is for pilgrims.