Every year, when I was a tike, my Gran would buy me an easter bonnet. I've been visiting my Gran and Pop-pop a lot lately at the cemetery. There were a huge part of my life and I miss them so much every day. Holidays like today, that have such a distinct memory attached to them, make me a little teary.
No bonnet for me these days, but I did have a nice bow.
Ok so I know I have aleast a good amount of viewers now on this blog, so I think it's time to admit something...
I'm a lesbian.
JK but I hate men.
I haven't ranted about men in a while, which I guess is a good thing.... So let me now do a blog saying how much I hate them.
Nah jk, I don't hate men. I hate the men that I let enter into my life. Yup. All of you.
My therapist told me to think twice about the boys I'm automatically attracted to and to give the other guys a second glance. ~Hmmmmm~
Every guy that I've been with has been a douche bag. Literally. Ok so no. They are not actual bags of douche. There is only one guy from my past that I would go back too and he probably knows who he is.
I was talking over the status of my past lovers with my dear friend Pat this weekend, who I've known for four years now, and he even said, "you really don't pick the best guys." Yup.
Highschool was different... sort of. The boys in high school weren't that bad to me, not that they're aren't exceptions. We were all babuhs and didn't know what we were doing.
We accept the love that we think we deserve.
Even just the guys that I let flirt with me half the time just jerk me around.
I guess the issue is actually mine and I'm to blame. Any guy that trys to pursue me, chances are I'll stay away from with a five foot pole. But the second a grimy snowbro refuses to acknowledge me it's game on.
Obviously games are unavoidable and if you hate the game you just play it harder. I certainly give guys a run for their money, yes, that is for sure. I'm horribly confusing.
But I MEAN COME ON with all the technology we have now it's so easy to be denied and supplied. You wait for them to text you or iMessage you, you see them on Facebook chat and wonder why they're not messaging you, you want them to tweet at you, you look for their face on Skype, you wonder why the fuck they haven't liked your instagram.
All of these social mediums are just that^ super instant.
With snap chat you see immediately when the person opens it and on iMessage you can tell when the person you're talking to is typing and when they have read your message.
YET BOYS CARE. The fuckers use it to their advantage.
The of course there's real life...
Even with this blog it's like do I edit it what I write so some dood doesn't think im bat shit... Thankfully, I'm at a point where I'm like YOLO. If you don't like me I'm not going to over think it. I'm happy alone.
Mid way through my freshman year of college I called my mom and said, "Mom, I just really want a baby." Point blank. Naturally she freaked out. What mother wouldn't freak out when their 19 year old daughter said something like that.
I had to explain myself.
Babysitting (like my mother suggested) was no longer filling my needs. I wanted something that was all mine, something that I wrote the owner's manual for. No one would be able to take something like a baby away from me (I mean besides child services...)
Now, cool your jets, I wasn't going to go ahead and act on this instinct. I wasn't like being insane and trying to get pregnant. The thought of babies were just constantly on my mind and they seemed to be everywhere. Mothers taunting me with their beautiful infants with cute rosy cheeks that I couldn't pinch because they didn't belong to me. I just really wanted one.
My mom said to me, "you have to wait til it's fair to you and the child tohave one. It would be extremely selfish to have a kid right now" So very true Mary Beth.
These days I don't so much want to care for and have my own child. However, I o so badly want to grow a baby inside my stomach. I constantly think about it. Like what the fuck does that feel like. And eating for two? Yup I could do that.
One of my old bosses in cupcake land absolutely hated babies. She said they were parasites. I disagree. I mean I guess fetuses sorta are like parasites. They feed of you and live inside of you but at the end of it all... YOU HAVE A CHILD. I just can't even fathom what the feeling of something being formed inside of you could possible feel like.
I was talking to a girl from my work about this today and she totally agreed wanting to grow a baby. "It's totally cliche but birth really is a miracle!" So true. SO TRUE. LIKE A PERSON COMES OUT OF YOUR VAGINA FROM BASICALLY NOTHING (insert crowning photo) (no I won't)
I can't even remember to flush the toilet after I use it let alone change a diaper right now. No no, it is not the time for a baby.
It is crazy to think that a baby really isn't that far away. MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK'S A TICKING.
As much as I want a babe and am fascinated by the idea of pregnancy, I'm not rushing it.
This is the last couple of years of my life I can be really selfish and I'm loving it. Plus I'm building a mom my children will be able to admire and respect.
When the time comes... I will be ready.
~CANT WAIT.~
Haim is a trio of super hip and gorgeous sisters. They really rock out. Their preformance at the Woodies was super acclaimed, they killed it.
The Woodies are the MTVu awards. They are basically the indie music awards. Filled with awesome new artists and bands that have been around for a while with a small cult following.
I love girl bands so much, to just have come across this band by chance IS JUST SO AWESOME.
This band has not yet released a full length album but I can assure I will be first in line to buy that shit.
The singles Falling, Don't Save Me, and Forever are my favorite.
I also really love music videos and I thought these were really well done, so of course I will post them now for your viewing ~please~
Don't Save Me
Falling
If you have like an hr to kill I'd also highly suggest you watch of the girls at the itunes festival that I stumbled upon on tumblr!
Ok so Yab lied in her last post, saying I wasn't going to Burlington, VT for St. Paddy's, cause I definitely did that.
Now that I don't drink, visiting the town that I use to do all of my drinking in and being there on a drinking holiday, wasn't exactly a picnic. Honestly though, it wasn't hard.
I love going out with my friends to bars and dancing and I love getting to see the craziness that happens at house parties but it does not make me miss drinking. If you don't know that you act like somewhat of an idiot when you drink in large quantities, in one way or another... you should reevaluate yourself.
The best part about being sober is getting to be the mom I'm meant to be. Taking care of my little babies and being able to deal with stressful situations is super easy when you're a sober sally.
All you really have is today. If you're lucky to have more than that you're doing something right. Guess what? I'm doing something right.
I have a year.
March 2012.
This time last year I was in the hospital, clinically insane. My body, physically and mentally, was shutting down.
The last few months leading up to the hospital my life was a mess. I was drinking too much, eating to little, and involved with some wrong people. I was treating myself poorly and letting others do the same. When I finally came to the decision to call my mom and turn my life around, it was a fight or flight reflex. I had to do it and get hell out of dodge.
Some of my friends had tried to warn me about my reckless behavior in the past but I never listened. It took hitting, my personal, rock bottom to get back up.
This past year has been really difficult. I've had to turn my life around.
180 degrees
If it wasn't for my family and my friends, that are basically my family, I really wouldn't be where I am now.
I pray everyday because I feel so blessed to be going in the direction that I am.
What made me feel the best about visiting Burlington was hearing from people that I inspire them. That really means so much to me. So as much as I'm doing this for me, I really hope it, in some way, helps you. How do I do it you ask? Easy. #groundedbyglitter.
