Thursday, October 30, 2014

The Whirlwind of Life.

The amount of drafts I have sitting in my blogger is pretty exemplative of my life’s current status. 

The past three months have been a whirl wind to say the least and I have had little to no time to get all of my thoughts on to paper. 

The thing is though, it’s more than not being able to write, because I have written. I have had so many fleeting thoughts about everything. I have been waiting to feel concrete about, well, anything.... I will elaborate.

A typical day for me right now is.... Well that is actually difficult because that’s not a real thing for me anymore. Ok, ok, ok I’ll try:

5:30 first alarm, 6:30 I actually wake up
Catch the bus at about 7:05, get to school at around 7:25 
At school from 7:30am- 5pm (or 6pm)
-get emotionally drained from dealing with a class of ill behaved, yet beautiful 7th grade boys (I love and hate them)
Come home between 5:45-6:45pm
- sometimes have things that go until 8, don’t get home until 9pm
Run errands when I get home, between 7-9pm
Eat dinner between 8pm- 10pm
Debrief on the internet or catch up on TV 
And finally drag myself to bed around 11pm-1am 

Wake up, Repeat. 

It’s exhausting. And that’s a typical day. And I’m not complaining, I’m just explaining. 

This is just an example of a Monday.... It’s cool though because the time flies (usually) and so do the days, but they take a toll for sure. For example it’s Wednesday night around 11pm and I started writing this Monday in the afternoon. I seriously do not know where the time goes.. HENCE WHY I HAVE NOT UPDATED MY BLOG IN THREE MONTHS. (Obviously, I apologize)

Let me explain why my thoughts are fleeting: 

My emotions with my students in the Philly public school system is minute to minute. I have a class of seventh grade boys I follow around all day... This would drive anyones emotions into a frenzy. 
I love my boys so much. They are so amazing. I am learning so much about life from them. They see life in such a different way than I do. 

Today the boys in my school played this song and it really effected me,

They rapped along (knowing all the words) with such gusto. It wasn’t even that they just memorized some rap song, like no not at all. They were filled with passion, it’s like they knew what this guy was saying. 
I, of course... The white girl from the suburbs..., had never even heard this song before. But I could feel the passion not only from the song but emulating out of these kids. I asked one of the students why they all liked this song and they said, “because it tells a story.” 
It is baffling to me that these kids, in 7th grade, can relate to something like this so easily. And it honestly pains me. 

On the bus, I drive through the neighborhoods that these kids live in and have grown up in. It’s Northeast Philadelphia. I’ve driven through these areas in the past but I never had a face to anyone that lived in any of these homes. 

I just want to help them as much as possible. I want to show them that jail should never be an option because they are all so much better than that. I want them to get out of where they came from and live up to the potential that they all have. I want soo much for them. It’s honestly overwhelming. I try not to think about it too much because otherwise I start crying. 

But aside from all that seriousness... Sometimes I want to actually kill them. FOR EXAMPLE, Monday... Oh Monday... We had a substitute. -_- I can not. 
They were totally insane. Running a muck to the highest degree. I kicked two students out. At one point I looked over and a student I work with a lot was laying across two chairs... Just laying down.... I lost it. And by loose it I started laughing and couldn’t hold it back. 
I’ve learned, through these past two months, to really take things with a grain of salt and pick and choose your battles. Life is about bigger things then a student laying across two chairs like a monkey... 

So it's like a constant wanting to kill them or want to hug them into oblivion.

Aside from school... 
Shit’s just constantly nuts... If it’s not this it’s that... 
I had to take four personal days because of this... Someone please tell me what my life is...?

There have been so many things unrelated to school since July that I can’t even remember. Roommate shit, friend shit, family shit, shit, shit, and poop- which is shit. 

But like that’s the things it’s all just shit. 

And maybe this is life. My favorite movie, Love Actually, has this line, “There is always going to be a totally shit time.” And maybe that’s just my life for now and the foreseeable future, or maybe it’s just fucking life. 

I am finally alive again. I am out of my Fuck Yab fucking shit hole of rebuilding... I have gone from negative to positive, from Vermont to home to Philadelphia. Aka college and fantasy life to dose of reality to really living a real life. 
It's a little like this, I have had my mid life crisis already. You who have been reading have seen me through it.
I didn't know where I was going, but I made a plan and I got going. I am now on my way. But the thing is I am just starting to build my foundation for life. I got out of my hole of not knowing what the fuck to do and now I am like ok, it's go time.

This, this real life thing, is what I have been training for for two years. 

And life is fucking hard. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I am so exhausted I can’t even cry so I just say fuck it and order sushi and watch a movie. 

There are so many things I want to put into this blog but I can’t fit all of my emotions from three insane months into one blog post. 

I will make this promise to you yabbers... I am not done writing. I never will be. And I promise I am back. 

I am making a public promise to my readers that my next blog with not have an apology at the beginning because I will stay updated. 

Me promising to you.

Writing for me, to you, whoever you are reading this, is really important to me. It helps me. My life has def been lacking a bit without me making my blog posts AND IT ENDS NOW. 

Like I said before, I am not complaining about anything... I am just explaining.

Something they say a lot in AA is that God does not give you more than you can handle. Although things may seem like a lot there is always a reason you are dealt the cards you have. And you can do it. 

I can do it. I have been doing it. 
I have been happy and 99% healthy, which is good good good for me. Not only have I been happy and healthy but I have been fucking killing it to be honest with you. I am dealing with all of these situations with an air of confidence and grace that I haven’t had before and I am really really proud of myself. 

Things fall into place the way they are suppose to whether you like it or not. 
And things are not perfect right now, but I don’t really think life works that way and I am swimming just fine. 

Oh wow. I haven’t even talked to you about my “love life” at all. Aye, well looks like I am going to need to put up a new post sooner than I thought.... 


Also newly obsessed with this, 

(completely unrelated and I hope you enjoy)

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Fuck Yas Feminists

Some people say this may be an exploit of little girls, which I can totally see and agree with but I'd rather teach my daughter how to say fuck or shit than how to shake her ass on a guy that doesn't respect her inner beauty.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Tinder Saga Part 50: The End.

I'm a little exhausted because I've literally been blogging all day long, I've had four shots of expresso and no cigarettes and I'm about ready to run the fucking country. SO I HOPE YOU ALL APPRECIATE THIS.

I'll try to keep this short and sweet;

Ok so I've talked about Tinder a fair amount and I hope you've all followed along closely.
Quick over view: I've been experimenting with tinder for over a year and I've met none of my internet suitors, as of June.... Ah but it's July?
I've met none of my internet suitors because I've refused to meet them, avoided meeting them, or just had no desire to. Oh yeah and there was that one who refused to meet me, but I'd rather not discuss that one...

So I met one.

Yes, I finally met a dude from Tinder. IRL.
And guess what? It wasn't that big of a fucking deal.

I think tinder, and quite frankly all online dating-
WHICH I JUST RECENTLY LEARNED THAT there's an online dating site for fucking everyone, like I'm talking you're really into diapers... well you're a sick fuck but HEY they've got a site for you!-
but all these sites and apps create a huge, UNNECESSARY, build up.

If you meet someone out at a bar, at a coffee shop, or anywhere IRL that's it. It happens right there, you don't have to think about it, it just happens. It's organic. I mean you can stress over them later and shit, but you don't have to worry about meeting them because it happened naturally.

All this tinder shit just stresses people out so much. Like don't fucking tell me it doesn't. Because I've talked to some of the most casual, calm people, when it comes to dating and I'm tellin ya... IT STRESSES PEOPLE OUT.

My conclusion from my tinder experimenting: it's not for me. (I mean this will probs last like a month and I'll be serial swiping yet again... but tbh I doubt it.)
But like, I did it. I met someone, we hung out, it didn't really work out, and I'm fucking over tinder.
And the ten minutes before we hung out, that instant right before it happened, my anxiety was through the fuuuucking roof.
nah not really.

But like I said... wasn't that bad. As soon as I was with him IRL for like 5 seconds, totally fine and normal.
Personally, I would rather meet someone organically, and I think that's just a better bet for me.

Tinder. I'm sorry, but I'm breaking up with you. 
It's over. 
This is why:

I just... I can't. 

Now it's time for me to dance my way through the real world, IRL, 

This never happened on tinder, or via text, 

I close with, obviously: Nobody puts baby in a corner.

Chillan With Princess Lolly

Let me just say, I never thought I would be at this point. Feeling, completely and fully present and fulfilled. 

I have worked very hard to get where I am right now, and life is still a definite struggle but I am so happy with where my life is right now. 

I am feeling so elated that it’s borderline scary. It’s scary because I have felt very very happy before and then my life has turned upside down, inside out, and to shit. 

But this time it’s different. I'm just plain excited about everything.
I am excited about doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, doing my laundry, because it's in MY OWN APARTMENT. No one tells me to do anything, I make the choice to do it and right now I loooove doing it all! 
Don't get me wrong in a month I will fucking hate that I do not have a dishwasher and the fact that my laundry machine is a third of the size of a normal washer. But right now, BRING IT ON. 

All of my hard work is beginning to pay off. All of those times when I have felt that my life was non-repairable and that it would never get to where I wanted it to be is over. This is a huge feat. HUGE. 
It's easy for me to stay in the present currently because things feel surreal and I am just taking life in minute by minute. 
me in my apt lovin life... it's furnished now, don't worry.

I love what I do, and quite frankly, I’m pretty good at it, which is fucking amazing. 
I am a social media coordinator at a non-profit. I've been interning at this organization since January and they really appreciate all that I do. Their feedback on my work as of recently has given me a real sense of purpose. I have found, and am beginning to master, something I'm really good at. 
Last weekend, at a meeting I was called the "social media queen".
Like hello, Gabriella, future #GirlBoss.  

And I have a new program coming up that I am so nervous but so excited about its nuts.
I got accepted into a volunteer program of Greater Philadelphia 2014-2015. 
Basically it's a year of full-time volunteer service, with a living stipend. The point of the program is to reduce the drop out rate in public school systems. There are sites all over the country but I'm going to, obvi, be in Philly. 
Now you see, I'm scared for a couple of different reasons. Mostly I'm a little scared of the Philadelphia Public school systems but I am also going to meet a lot of new people and who knows what that will be like. 
But there are many more reasons as to why I'm excited. 
I know this program will help shape me into a different, and better, human being. A year from now I will have had an amazing experience and my view on life will be entirely different! HOW EXCITING. 

I don’t mean to brag about my life but I’m fucking happy and that in it’s self is a huge feat. 


Like besides the fact that I HAVE AN APARTMENT, I love where I live. Walking around my neighborhood and discovering new things is so much fun and entertaining to me. Northern Liberties, or No Libs (as the locals aka me, call it), is so hip and cool and there is so much to do, from going out to cool bars with amaze ball food- weekend flea markets AND amazing coffee shops. Shout out to @oneshotcoffee for providing the most amazing coffee drinks I've ever had. 

And my roommates are literally the best combination possible. 
Stephen, who I love more than most humans, and Samantha Devers, who has been one of my favorite people for years. I haven't seen Sam in like four years and the next time I see her she will moving in to live with me! (she hasn't moved in yet) I AM SO EXCITED. 

Good things are happening, fo sho. 
But of course it is scary. When things are going so well it's just like waiting for something bad to happen.
I guess the best thing I can do is fully and whole heartedly appreciate the good days and be on the defensive for the bad days. 

And I mean that's not to say my life is a game of fucking CandyLand.
Well... maybe it is because there is Gloppy the Molasses Monster and Lord Licorice. 
My gloppy would have to be my constant money issues and Lord Licorice the lingering feeling of anxiety that comes in waves. 
But right now, in my CandyLand life, I'd say I'm chillin Princess Lolly and Gramma Nut. 
So, as Gramma always says, "Let them eat peanut brittle"

The Muggy Haze of Summers Past and Present.


(This post was written in June 2014 but not published until July and a lot has changed but bare with me yabbers)

Summer 2014 is a weird time for me.

I have written about summer, a couple of times, including my ode to summer 11. (which literally makes me cry when I read).

Summer has been a pivotal season in my life. My birthday is at the end of August, so that always closes the season nicely. But aside from my birthday going on.... Late May- Early September is always a seriously emotional time.

I have had some of the best and worst times of my life during the summer.
It brings me love and heart break, incredibly good sunny sunny days and flooding thunder storms.

Point and case:

Summer 07- I was an LIT at YMCA Camp Tockwogh- gained leadership skills and life long friend ships. I first tried pot, drank a lot, had my heart broken by a friend and a lover, went on a family road trip.

07 birthed the nickname: Gabgab2000

Summer 08- Was a CIT at camp, which was horrible because I had the worst training by leaders in higher positions, then I became a Junior Counselor and blocked out all of my horrible CIT times. JC was amazing. I learned how to drink like a champ, oh lost my V card... and had some wild times... I learned what the term "fresh meat" was.

Summer 09- Senior week!! I worked at Tockwogh as a counselor (a long awaited position), again drank like a champ and more, made incredible friendships, oh and ya know got fired from my camp for me pants-less and wasted in the middle of the night after a long night out... Got sent to my first alcohol counseling... WENT OFF TO COLLEGE.

1413, G-spot, Seni09 houuuse

1st citation of my life... the 1st of many..

good bye ocean shitty

fsu for life.

Summer 10- had an amazing first month. Learned how amazing the city Buffalo was. Went into my first psychosis... -_-

Summer 11- Ah.mazing. Read the ode.  But incredibly painful and horrible. Questionably fell in love? Moved all over Btv. Wasn't speaking to my mom really. Was a total mess but had more fun than anyone should.

[not including any pictures because you need to look at the ode and get the full experience]

Summer 12- not great. Was in recovery from second psychosis. meh

Summer 13- Second sober summer. Pretty calm to be honest. But learned to love Philly. Went to a music festival sober, had a horrible time which turned into a really fun time. Saw a lot of shows... good times over all, but again pretty calm.

Summer 14- .... Moving into the city....? Already amazing.
[look at last blog post for pictachs]

It's a bizarre time. We grow up learning that from June- August there are little to no responsibilities. As a child this is practically engrained into us. I mean, I'm not saying that's why summer was created, I have no fucking idea how summer was created... I mean I guess it just has to do with the weather...?
But it's a total break from reality.
In Philly it gets so fucking hot, you basically lose touch with reality... I can't imagine even being in the south during these months.

Summer is extremely hazy, weather-wise and in life. All the days run into each other. Kids don't have school, the it's nice out and the days are long.

Adjusting from being a student to a young-real-life-adult can be strugg city. There no longer is that break. You have to manage work and play, and of course, there's so much opportunity and temptation to fuck around it's hard to stay focused on life. AH.

For me it's hard to not want the highs and lows and having to just be content.
I don't get the drama anymore but I don't get the crazy that I chased so hard.
Summer is really fucking hard for me now and being a sober sally. It's an even more serious balancing act than the rest of the year, which is already really fucking difficult.

And let me just tell you... I dont know WHAT IT IS. But as of recently... I CAN NOT DEAL WITH THE HEAT. Fucking throw me in a frozen tundra with a heat lamp and I'd be happy as a clam. But fucking put me in the middle of a Philadelphia, black, paved, street, walking home from god knows where, AND I LITERALLY WANT TO MURDER SOMEONE.
I don't think I ever minded the heat before because I was always near some body of water but O MY LANTA, it's killing me these days. LORD SAVE ME.


But you know mang, summer is chill... except for the fact that it's literally the opposite of chill..

But currently, Summer 2014 (as of July), is really quite amazing and, like I said before, pivotal... so we shall see what happens......