AND OH WHAT A MONTH ITS BEEN.
I have been looking everywhere for signals, guidance, signs from God, to tell me what the FUCK TO DO.
My life is a mess, but it's really not at the same time.
Let's break it down shall we...
School.... ya rather not talk about it... but I guess I have to....
This semester did not go well... Imagine the worst. And yup, that's it.
I could come up with a million excuses as to why this happened but it's inexcusable for me to not be doing well in school.
It was just to much for me and I cracked under pressure.
When I was a full time, live at school student, I did fabulous. I did, like, really well because I worked my ass off. I went to the library all the time, all hours of the day. Now, the library is more than a skip, hop and a jump away.
Being full time at life- working part time and commuting to school part time- did not do me well. My priorities were in the wrong place.
What it comes down to is I just can't ask for help.
I also have anxiety that takes over and paralyzes me from moving forward.
Instead of just pushing through stressful times, I don't get out of bed and I come up with worst case scenarios and just let them happen. It's really is catastrophic to my life.
I've been yelled at by therapists and I realize I need to get honest.
I need to ask for help when I need it and I need to tell people what is going on and just accept their responses.
Ok what else is going on in my life....
well I am not working the steps... I should save this for my sober blog because if you're not sober you will probably not understand and I'm not going to sit here and go through what the steps are and how they help to improve your life. I will tell you this, I did the steps, and I need to do them again, and I will probably continue doing them until I die if I want to maintain a decent life.
I guess this a good time to debut my sober blog that I have been working on: Grounded By Glitter.
What it all comes down to, is, my Quarter life crisis.
this is not the first of these.
I have been saying this to everyone I've had to talk about with school and work and figuring out my life and I constantly get emotional. BUT THE THING THAT KILLS ME IS
I know I have a lot of potential. I feel every member of society has a grand amount of potential. Inside every tiny human is the physical and emotional power of 100 men. I really do believe one single person can make a difference and together we can move mountains.
For me however, reaching and tapping into my potential is so fucking difficult. There are so many things going on in my mind all the time I don't even know what to fucking do. So I end up sitting in my bed scared of life not SEIZING THE FUCKING DAY.
I am very excited about the new year because I have a lot of goals and expectations for myself.
I know I put too much pressure on myself but I need to right now.
I am extremely happy with myself and how far I have come but I can expect more from myself, and I will.
Luckily, I have friends, family, and professionals, that will help me figure out what to do with my life and let me keep in perspective that things could be much much worse.
SO I STAY. Grounded by glitter.