I go to work, do work, am in constant motion, I'm doing work for my other jobs that I can't be at and then I'm rushing home. To relax? No, to get the rest of the work done.
|if things were as simple as hiding in my bathroom and no one ever knowing I smoke(d).|
I was assigned, a couple of weeks ago, to take a moment and meditate for my step work. This is one of the easiest assignments I have gotten. Usually I have to write and look inward. I literally have to sit and do nothing but I have found no time to just sit still.
Even when I get home and I'm like, "ok sit down and relax." I can't. I get in my bed to nap and I remember the errands I have to run and I get right out of bed. Or I try to turn on a tv show and not think and I start making lists in my head.
I feel like I have been very productive in the past couple weeks and it has encouraged me to be even more productive but it can be exhausting.
And I say I'm doing a million things but then I feel like I have gotten nothing done. Maybe my time management skills have just been failing me... per usual.
I, of course, am putting to much stress and pressure on myself. I have been constantly checking things off of my to do lists. But it just feels like there is always so much to get done.
And, maybe that's just life. The moment we are born, we are hurled into life and into the world. We are heading towards the future. As we move on from sleeping, growing, eating and pooping, we transition into adulthood and goals, dreams and expectations. Life's fucking hard and there is much to be done!
I've done the nothing thing.
The sitting still and letting life pass by. I remember when my life consisted of wondering when my life was going to start.
Much like being hurled into life, I have been flung into the world. Last year, I sat still. Now I am in motion. A constant motion that is flowing and does not stop.
I think doing the work I do to leaves me feeling that there is more to be done. As I am on the front lines of the public school education system, I am seeing all the holes that need to be filled.
You know all the stories like the movie Freedom Writer? Where the teacher takes a "bad class" and turns them into upright citizens? That's the 1%. That shit doesn't happen everyday. It happens like maybe, maybe once a week, for a second. You have to push and push and push until you get a breakthrough. It doesn't happen easily or quickly.
But you can't let it break you either. You have to push because if you don't there will never be a breakthrough. You have to channel you're energy and you have to laugh. If you don't laugh a little you will break the fuck down.
But life will push you back. It's not fair but it's fucking life.
Everything you go through is for a reason and you will get to the other side.
I've heard it said that people who are afraid of hell have religion and people who have been through hell are spiritual. So call me spiritual.
I need my crystals. ~
Phhhhew it's exhausting.
So I'm off. To run some errands as quickly and effectively as possible.