Saturday, January 31, 2015

Bitch, I Feel Fan-fucking-tastic

Today was great. Like really good. Like fan-fucking-tastic.

And you have to appreciate those days.

I forgot, for a little while, how to live life. How to slow things down... and as cliche as it is... take it one step at a time. Life is about putting one foot in front of the other. Don't stress too much or you will get a fucking ulcer... or in my case, break down crying to your mother in a hypochondriac fit that you have an ulcer and you're dying when you are, obviously, not...
Good times...

But today was fan-fucking-tastic.

These past two days have been aimed at rejuvenation. For work we've had this mid-year/mid-way training session to help us get through the rest of our year of service. Our sessions have been a little tedious and at times a little pointless but I think I got the gist down pretty well, and I really do feel like taking back my mission by storm.

We also had a battle where every school had a team, that came up with a cheer and there was a competition best cheer. I was on our team... We did not win... BUT we got laughs, which is always the goal. They were not, I REPEAT- NOT, ready for us.

I think I may be doing so well, and feeling so good, right now because I have thrown myself back into my program of recovery. I have been taking care of myself and pushing myself to do better. I don't have to get everything done in a day but if I do a little bit, then a little bit more, eventually I have done a lot.

I am attaining goals and setting new ones.

I also have put the right people into my life. The statement, "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind," is really true.  As Yab always says FUCK THE HATERS.
I have to much love in my heart to let bad people make me react in bad ways.

I think after a break up you have a serious mourning period, and if you really mourn the shit out of it, you can move the fuck on. Forward, onward, and upward.

I have begun to move the fuck on. And I see doors opening up every which way. And... it's fan-fucking-tastic. 

I am one to quite frequently say, "sorry, I am not sorry." And I have never recanted a statement that I have made on this blog. But something has really been bothering me and I want to address it.
In my last blog post I said that I was not born from a great love. I want to clarify: I was not born from a place of ill will or hate. 

It is just hard for me to wrap my head around my parents as a couple. All I have ever known is them apart and as separate entities. But I believe there was this period ~somewhere in some space of time~ that they really truly loved each other. I have seen proof of it in pictures and in writings. I know it existed at sometime but I never experienced it.

This bitch was a mess. 
Now, my parents don't speak to each other- which is actually my doing. In my period of using I put everyones lives, not just my own, into a state of chaos... multiple times. During all of this my parents had different views on how to handle the situation. It's a serious matter. How do you deal with your child when they are trying so desperately to ruin their own life? There were different opinions, and they were strong opinions. So now they keep their distance.

Although I am cursed as a child of divorce, I am blessed with two incredible families that I would not trade for the world.

On really good days it is important to be grateful. Gratitude, in my opinion, is the corner stone of life.

So when you have a good day, just thank the universe. Because chances are Neptune and Venus had something to do with it.  (check it)

Tomorrow might be hell, but today... today was good. 

Sunday, January 25, 2015

I'm 24 years Old and I've Never Been In Love

I'm 24 years old and I've never been in love. 

I think I've loved people. I know I have. However, I've never been in love, like really in love. I've never been in it. 
I've had it....I've, ya know, loved. But never have I ever been in love. Sometimes, that scares me. I think that maybe it will never happen for/to me.
I care about people pretty quickly. I am a pretty loving person. I'm faster to love someone than hate them.

And I definitely think I watch too many movies on the subject of love...

I've fallen out of love before (usually the idea of love versus really loving someone)

I've walked away from love.

It's one of those things that, because I've never had it at, I want it.
But I don't even know what it's like.
I really don't know what it's like to be in love.
The only depiction, and really feeling, that I have of love- being in love- is from the movies. I don't know what it's like to be so truly deeply involved in it. I've never said to someone "I love you." And the only person who ever said it to me was a drunk boy that then proceeded to pee in my bed... And the last guy would say it by accident and then follow it up with, "I don't love you. I hate you." Oh...
If I've been anywhere close to love, it's been very surface level. Thinking about being deep, deep in love is ~mystifying~ to me. I can't really conceptualize the idea because I think it's a feeling that I've just never had.

Love seems to be one of the few things in life you can't look for. It can't be something you're actively searching for. It seems, to be something that just has to come to you.

Maybe that's why I haven't found love. I'm constantly searching for it. Even when I say I am not, or think I'm not, I definitely am. Like I said, it's ~mystifying~. I want to understand it, I want to feel it but I just never have.

All of the greatest loves I've ever seen have been in movies or are stories. And maybe that's what they are. They're just made up fictional stories and they're not real- they're fake. Are there great lovestories that are real?

I'm not a product of real love. My parents hate each other. Both of them have remarried and have great working relationships. But I was not a product of a great real love- don't get me wrong my parents love me very much, they just hate each other.
It is possible that a spirit of independence was instilled in me as a child that I just can't shake. I've always known it's okay to be alone and I've always like being alone. It's not that I don't like people, I just like being alone sometimes, a lot of the time. 

A lot of people joke about the phrase "forever alone" and although it is funny to joke about as a single person, it's possible that I will be forever alone. But I think that if that happens it'll be at my own doing.

People have tried to love me and I've push them away. I try to love people and they push me away. I don't really think I will be "forever alone…" But I don't know. Is it normal, To never have found love at 24? Is there still hope for me? We shall see.

It's funny that as much as I have never really felt what it's like to be in love, I've felt what it's like to be not-in-love and to have people not love you. I've felt pain.

Break ups suck. No matter what, when, or how, they suck. At first it's all liberating, like fuck ya! But then it's like

And it comes in waves. It's almost like having a cold, at least it is for me right now. Well... I also have a cold so I might be confused... But there are things that make this feeling worse and better. Chocolate and ice cream, makes things better. Friends, make things better. Romance movies, feel like death. Staring at your phone feels agonizing. And it's so easy to get trapped. To turn, shut the blinds and watch movies.

It's a little more energy but a lot less painful to keep moving. To get out of bed and make a smoothie and seize the day.
But then sometimes you hear a song, or see a picture and it's like a wave of emotion that hits you. Like a coughing attack. And you just need water. Or... chocolate.

I wish I could just hit an off switch and make all my feelings go away. However, I am a human and I have complex emotions. *le sigh* i miss him. 

Even though I know [me and the boy I'm no longer seeing] want different things, and that he's not good for me, I still miss him. It just hurts so bad right now. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I'm a little sad

"We always knew this was going to be a shit time." -Love Actually I've quoted this before and I will continue to....
I knew this would suck. I hate breakups. I hate how many times I've had my heart broken without ever having had love. I just want to scream it's not fair. I want to cry. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...
Today a friend, I admire for her courage, said to me, "you are so strong." To have someone say that feels good. I know I will come out of everything that is going on around and with me a better person.

The easy thing to do is die. To lay down and take it and give up. It'f hard to move forward and onward.
And sometimes you miss people who don't give a shit. In life, people and interactions can mean different things from one person to another. On the flip side- it can work the other way. People can appreciate you without you even knowing it.

Tonight a woman told me how I did something for her that I had totally forgotten about. People can remember things you do for them that you didnt realize you did. Small acts of kindness do not go unappreciated, in my belief. We call these lollipop moments.

Find the silver linings in life and don't focus on negativity. There is no point. 
It is ok to be sad, but I will move forward. Onward and upward, yabbers!
So loved or not currently... I know I am worth it and I am lovable. If no one else loves me, well I'd probably treat myself better by giving myself another chocolate bar.

And you know what? I am loved. By so, so, so many amazing people. By my Mummy and Daddy and my Nan and Bill, all my brothers and my lil mini sister. I have friends that are seriously, so beyond amazing. I am incredibly grateful for them. The fact that I can text my friends across the country and say "I need" And there they are, doing whatever they can.

And I have a fellowship. The people and rooms of AA are there always.

Maybe I have more love in my life then those girls who pine and wait for their boyfriends to say, "I love you." I have a love, stronger, and longer lasting then them.

*REMEMBER 2015: Balance. Om.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

2015...What the Hell Do You Have in Store For Me?

Bonjour! Comment allez-vous?

I'm feeling a little foreign today

Did you think I wasn’t going to do a new years post? Betch, pleeeeease. This is my favorite time to write! 
Reflecting on the past, looking to the future, making plans and resolutions. New years blogs are the best.
I've just been really thinking about this one for a while now...

This year however, my resolutions are different. 
Numero uno: don’t smoke more. I’m not saying I’m going to quit or smoke less necessarily.. But no more. I refuse to increase my nicotine habit. And by 26 I will be done. But I know I’m not quite there yet and Lordy lord, Im not even gona try. But, no increase. I'm trying to set realistic goals. So there. 

My other goal, is to read more and continue educating myself. I have set these resolutions before but I think every year, searching for more knowledge is definitely beneficial. 

One thing for 2015, that I did not have in past years is a theme.

This NYE I was sitting on a roof deck in NYC, on Park Ave., with some very good people. And when I say good, I don't mean like, "ya, you know, good." I mean... Good. Like having positive qualities. And one of my friends, who is really beyond a friend to me, announced that this year she was going to have a "New Years Theme."
Yes, yes, yes! I loved it!

This year I will have a theme. 
My theme for 2015 will be: balance

2014 was a long year, with many many ups and downs.  I was either up to late or sleeping to much to, going at 90 m/hr or crashing, hitting two AA meetings in a day or zero for a whole month. Although the highs were high, some of the lows were shitty lows. I feel by the close of 2014 I did lose a fair amount of balance. Balance and I were teetering away from each other to say the least...

This year overall was crazy, in retrospect. The way I was living my life in January was entirely different from how it ended in December. I could never have foreseen the things that I was confronted with in 2014. Not in my craziest dreams, and if someone had told me how this year was going to play out I would have laughed in their face.

With the end of 2014 and the welcoming of 2015, I have somehow grabbed hold of my life again. Somehow.
I'm not saying I fell apart this past year. I in no way crumbled...
You want to see me crumbling? I encourage you to look at my life circa 2009-2011... Those years... and periods there... crumbled. LIKE A COOKIE.

In fact, I think I have held my life together better than I have in my entire life. I moved with poise through the past couple of months.

But life is a fucking bitch. And sometimes you get hit in the face, hit in the stomach, and hit with a pile of bricks.

If I had to give 2014 a rating, I'd give it like a 87%. It was thrilling, channeling, rewarding all wrapped into one long year.

I would be lying if I were to say I'm not afraid of what is in store for me this year. I feel as I get older life just gets harder. Things get more complicated and complex and sometimes I am left feeling perplexed.

But I have a good feeling about 2015.
When I left NYC from my NYE trip, I didn't come home with that vacation hang over. I came home excited about life. Excited to see what's in the future, be it scary or not.
2015, hit me with your best shot because whatever you have in store, I'm ready. 

So we're gonna throw this one up to God and hope for the best.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Yab, Why Do You Write About Your Personal Shit?

I think it's really hard being a writer. It's a bold and revealing lifestyle, exposing your thoughts and what goes in on your head to a piece of paper, or to a screen. It's about being honest, with either yourself or the rest of the world.

Journaling and writing to yourself is reflective and not easy. It's very personal. But the thing with that it you don't have to be candid. You know you will be the only person that reads it, or at least that is the mindset you are in while writing.

Writing to the general public is intimidating. Now matter what, you will receive judgement, wether it is good or bad. There is always level of critique. Usually when people write something to be published, in anyway, they have it proofread, and if you don't (like many of my posts) it is totally raw.

I have received both praise and criticism for the things I have written over the years. But i have also had total backlash. People have told me that what I write is too personal...

Throughout my every day, I worry about what people think and say about the things I do and how I behave. I am a loud person. I have a large personality and sometimes, a lot of the time, it is too much for people. When I write, it is for, ultimately, myself. I don't worry about what people will say. It's not about anyone else.

In the beginning my writing was a big fuck you to the world. It was my way of rebelling against everything else and a safe place. It was a space to just be me.

That hasn't changed. I've changed. Fuck ya I have.
The things I write about have changed and I think, and hope, I will continue to grow and develop through my pages and posts.
What I write is a kind of free flowing thought. When things come to me I try my best to get it onto paper. (Sometimes that is hard because my thoughts go so fast) This is how I express myself. It is both therapeutic and a creative outlet for me. I have no formal "training" in the feild. I was not a writing major in college. I haven't even graduated college. I don't think I am any expert but I don't think I can't do it either. I enjoy writing, it makes me happy and feel better. I think what I talk about helps some people understand me better and gives outsiders an inside scoop on my life.

I have never tried to hurt anyone with my writing.

A key aspect of life for me is understanding. I am constantly trying to understand things sand have empathy. So why not give people what I search so desperately for? Understanding, of me. Because that is what I know best.

My mom always says you have to be your biggest cheerleader and make yourself your best friend. Well, baby, this is my life and I am #1.

Black nails with silver moons and red lips I am ready to take this world by storm. Thank you for reading, my dedicated reader, and taking the journey with me.

Monday, December 29, 2014

The Christmas Hangover.

Once the last present is open you feel it. You dread it. You know it's going to come the minute you hear your first Christmas carol of the season. As I've said it before, I'll say it again... All good things come to an end, including Christmas

The most built up day of the year is December 25th. No other holiday has such a great rise and fall. The holiday season is constantly building and building.
For me, it starts around Thanksgiving. I see holiday sales before the Turkey even hits the table and it pisses me off. Next, decorations come out. Then it's time for shopping and Christmas music is finally acceptable. Before you know it it's the week of Christmas and it has come too fast. With a flash it's all over, wrapping paper a strew everywhere.

I think December 26th is a hard day for a lot of people. They wait all year for the magic of Christmas and poof it's over. That's not to say it's gone in a blink of an eye and the flashest of flashes, but it does sometimes feel that way.

As soon as I start to open presents I get uneasy about the whole thing being over. It's like when I use to do Molly and I would think about my roll ending and have a panic attack. It's terrifying.

My Christmas this year was... well... pretty daaamn awesome. I got everything I wanted/needed and more. From wool socks to a TV and ROKU... YABBA MADE OUT GOOD.
Maybe this is my karma finally coming around.

However, this Christmas felt a little different for me. After I had opened everything and was totally astounded with my turn out, I couldn't help thinking about the students I work with everyday and how their Christmas' were.
It just makes me feel a little helpless, like theres nothing I can do. There's so many of them and I am only one person in one classroom. I can't give them everything they want or need and it makes me feel so small.

But I can be grateful. 

Although this holiday was a little... meh... emotional for me... I wasn't totally on cloud nine the whole time... From my period, to an antibiotic for a cold, and still that broken heart thing, I just wasn't 100%. But I have been more reflective and just feeling so #blessed.

I got to see more family then I usually do and had real quality time with them. I saw every side of my large dysfunctional family over this break. My brother was home from college, I saw my little cousins from my moms side, my uncle was in from LA, and everyone was so pleasant. Being in a holiday funk was luckily treated well by good people.

I also got to see my Reetz, in from Washington state, and spent a lot of time with my Carlita.

And now for New Years.... 

I don't know if you know this, my dear readers, but I do New Years Eve right. Some people think NYE is a stupid holiday, not me. I think it's just amazing.... maybe it's because of all of the Captial G L I TT ER. But I think it's great to celebrate the new year. If you know me, you know I'm all for something new. So bring on 2015. 2014 is over. It's time to celebrate the opportunity for prosperity and growth. To start new.
This New Year's I'm gonna be the sparkliest and kiss boys I don't know and it's gonna be fabulous (fur coat and all).

So order me a bloody, make it a virgin, and let's kick this hangover to the curb, because there's a new year on the way and ya better look sharp.
It's a good thing I don't drink because who has time for hangovers anyway?

*cue broadway musical overture about Gab in New York City*