Thursday, December 18, 2014

Car Crash


No, that was not the cat. Yes, that was me slamming on the keyboard.

I went to a meeting Wednesday and vented/ranted harrd. The first thing I said was "I am really fucking pissed off and frustrated." I was partly frustrated because I had my hand up the entire meeting and got called on in the last ten minutes. I was ready to walk out of the meeting.

But I'm not really mad. Frustrated yes, definitely, but I can't be mad right now. WELL I CAN, and I was/am but mostly I'm just like...

literally ...

I'm so broken down. I'm tired, bruised (literally- I think I'm have a vitamin deficiency), stressed and just bleh. It's not like I ran into a brick wall, it's like I was going down the right highway to success and a ton of bricks fell on me. And again, and again. And then one more time. Now, I'm hiding under a tree but I'm on this highway and I can't stop moving forward.
That's how I feel.
I also feel like people are just passing the crash like, "hey can I help? Oh I actually have to be somewhere I'll call you later and see if everything went ok. Bye."

Which I understand. We are all on this highway and people have places to go but I would really like if someone just pulled over got out and helped me put my car back together.
But I'm not helpless. I can do this. I can continue to move forward.

What I'm really saying, is I'm dealing with relapses. Not my own. But they are the scariest things I've ever experienced. Watching someone kill themselves and let their lives unravel is so painful.
[insert ALANO meeting here]

It's just so frustrating because I've worked hard to get to almost three years sober. I thought I was past all the tough stuff... WRRRRRONG. This is hard. Staying sober, while watching people get fucked up, is just as hard as it was for me to put everything down. A few weeks ago I broke down mentally. It was a moment where I said to myself, "I need a meeting. Right. Now." So I went to two. It's been hard to bump up my program while working so much, but I really have been trying to. I need to put myself and my sobriety before anything else. Because whatever comes before me being sober, is the first thing I will lose.

I'm also so sad. Even though I want to join in fuck up my life, I think about it and I don't. I want my friends to get better. I don't fucking want them to die or turn there lives to shit. I care about people in general and I really really love these people. I have high standards for people and the people I'm friends with, are really good fucking people. I don't even have the words to fully express how I feel about this because it's so disheartening. I've seen people die from addiction and I don't want these people to die.


I think I need to start over. Take time for myself again. Re-prioritize. See what's going well and what's not. Maybe punch someone in the face. Jk on the last part.

Lemme just say I am thankful I for christmas for a fucking break. I love my students to pieces, but dealing with them in-itself is hard enough.

That is all, goodnight. Wish things were just this simple,

Friday, November 21, 2014

Really really really really frustrated.

I am really really really really really really fucking frustrated at life.

I'm frustrated with my job, my living situation, my family, friends, the way I'm spending my time. 

We recently did a reflection at a meeting on a song and it was all about maximizing your time.
And it really has had me thinking, and even saying things to my students. The most valuable thing in life you have is your time. You have to spent it as wisely as possible. This is even more true if you have a limited amount of time.

I truly believe, and I do not think I would be doing what I was doing if I did not believe this- inside every person is the strength of 1000. I mean that figuratively and literally. You can literally train your body to do amazing things. You can also move mountains if you really fucking try hard enough.

Because of this, I have high expectations.

Doing what I do can be really fucking frustrating. I am literally trying to get people to do things they do not want to do. And those 'people' are 7th grade, wildly behaved boys. I will go up to a student and tell them to take notes and they will just look at me. Literally not even say no. Just stare and me and try to get me to go away. And my job... is to make them do the opposite. And I believe they can do that. I really do and I will do what it takes to get them to do it. I am annoying and it is sometimes helpful.

But somedays, I just want to give up. I want to give up on a lot of things. I want to throw my hands in the air and say I am done. I am done. I'm done trying. You don't want to do this so why am I even bothering.

But I don't. I might walk away for a minute, but I am relentless and I really try not to give up on people. And in this situation, with these kids, I can't.

But that's not the same for all areas of my life. I think sometimes I do have to give up.

I haven't really delved  too much into the fact that my roommate relapsed.
It's been a little bit exhausting. I mean they do have ALANON meetings specifically for family and friends of addicts and I understand why.
Watching someone spiral out of control, pretty much, and living with it, has been really really hard.
Not only the logistics of having to find a new roommate while my old roommate is in treatment.... but also thinking that my best friend is fatally sick with a horrible disease that I have seen kill people.
That's hard. Worrying about rent is stressful. Thinking your friend could die is horrible.

Sometimes when these things are going on, all of these things at once, I lose a little bit of control. For just a few minutes or hours, I have.... a meltdown. And sometimes people get caught in the cross fire and sometimes I just need to be a little crazy.
Like with this situation- I start to freak out about the fact that half of my apartments rent is almost a month over due versus crying that my friend may never stay sober for a long long period of time.
It's just a lot, and that being one aspect of life.

I'm also annoyed with my brother, which I feel bad posting about but I am annoyed.
All I am going to say is that family, should, always be the 1 priority. Sometimes you put yourself first  when it's crucial but most of the time you put them first and that's final. This is something I have learned and come to really truly value over time so I am trying to ration and think that he is just young but I am frustrated.

I just really felt the need to get this all out because I am bubbling up. I'm brimming with emotion, to say the least.

I'm not spiraling. I'm not losing it. I am in control of my life.
It is true that I need to go to more meetings and take better care myself and do what is the very best for me. But the fact of the matter is I need to figure out how to do that. I need to sit down and figure out how to do what it is that is the very best for me.

I am a firey loud italian, irish, philadelphian, that people a lot of the time think is hispanic. I am loud and pretty emotional.

Let me tell you thought, thank god for taylor swifts new pop album and Nick Jonas' new songs and remixes. Make life a little goddamn bearable.

So I think it is ok that I am feeling like this right now and crying a little. But the fact of the matter is, that I need to take better care of myself. And I need to go to bed.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Jake Murray In The Snow

People around Philly seem to really hate winter. A lot of the people I work with are from warmer areas so they really don't seem to like the cold that much. 

It's not that I love the cold or the winter for that matter, but I do not hate it. Winter reminds me of good things. The smell of the cold air, particularly, I love. It reminds me of Vermont and my years there. I'm not constantly taking sniffs of the air in Philly- because that is a dangerous and repulsive game- but every now and again I get a good smell that transports me to BVT.

The first snow fall in 2011.

The fall and winter really make me miss VT in waves. And I certainly know how to deal with the cold. I have three pairs of winter boots and endless coats.

I also love sweater weather. I think the cold suits me well. I do dislike being tan but I think I look good pale, in braids, a beanie and bundled up in a flannel and sweater.

I battle a bit with seasonal depression (who doesn't) and the long dark nights. Having such good reminders of winter really really helps. Plus it's a good time to be emotional. I can curl up in my bed and be cold and write about how I feel.

And listen to lots of Sam Smith

Snow, on the other hand, I love. Yes, it's a cold, but I love it. I think I have probably written about the silence of snow and how calming and beautiful it is. I don't dread the first snow fall, it excites me. And skiing is obviously something I look forward to. When I look at pictures of Vermont, not even my life there, I miss it so fucking much. Life was so simple and beautiful. Even years later I would still go back there and start my life over. Even if none of my friends were in Burlington, I would go back. Maybe one day, but my life is in PHL now. And when I do move out of Philly I think it will be to start somewhere new. But it will be somewhere beautiful. As much as I enjoy living in a city, I think I need nature and seasons that really pop, like vermont foliage. I digress...

It's just funny that most of my friends from my past life in Vermont chase the winter where as my new friends and people around here are trying to avoid it.

I think it says something about Philadelphia. It's really an interesting city. So very very hot in the summer and the winters are pretty brutal. Such a fickle city.

This city drives me a little crazy. I love the things I am doing, now, and my life as of 2014. But every freakin weekend I see someone from high school, or younger. The other day I saw someone in Dunkin Donuts I hadn't seen my grade school days. I'm learning to deal with it though. Take the goods with the bads.

Even the guy I'm seeing right now I never knew in high school at all but easily could have and he knows a bunch of people I knew in high school...

Yes, yes, I guess that is a good transition into my love life... So I am seeing someone and I've been seeing him for a few months. I don't have too much to report about it now. It's going well... It's been a bit of roller coaster but so has every other aspect of my life for the past few months. He seems to be one of the good ones, but I'm still figuring him out.

I know I know you want to know more but I don't have a lot to say right now because things are going well I think. One thing I can say is he drinks and I don't. Which was bound to happen with someone eventually and it's a brand new game. It's not what I had been looking for. I was hoping to find someone who didn't drink so it was a non-issue and it's not necessarily an issue right now but it can be frustrating. It makes me feel bad for my friends who had to deal with me drunk, but I've also had to deal with my friends drunk since I've been sober and that is even worse.

Like they say, Karma is a bitch.
And at least, for everyone's sake, Philadelphia is not dealing with Drunk Gab... Because that is a force to be reckoned with...

It's nice to have a somewhat normal thing going with a guy, since my internet dating days and other bizarre things I get myself into.

Ayyy yabbers... Ah to be young.

Well stay warm my loves, in the head and heart.


Thursday, November 6, 2014


Big thank you and kuddos to my little sister for showing me this song:

This is the theme song to this blog. 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

The Whirlwind of Life.

The amount of drafts I have sitting in my blogger is pretty exemplative of my life’s current status. 

The past three months have been a whirl wind to say the least and I have had little to no time to get all of my thoughts on to paper. 

The thing is though, it’s more than not being able to write, because I have written. I have had so many fleeting thoughts about everything. I have been waiting to feel concrete about, well, anything.... I will elaborate.

A typical day for me right now is.... Well that is actually difficult because that’s not a real thing for me anymore. Ok, ok, ok I’ll try:

5:30 first alarm, 6:30 I actually wake up
Catch the bus at about 7:05, get to school at around 7:25 
At school from 7:30am- 5pm (or 6pm)
-get emotionally drained from dealing with a class of ill behaved, yet beautiful 7th grade boys (I love and hate them)
Come home between 5:45-6:45pm
- sometimes have things that go until 8, don’t get home until 9pm
Run errands when I get home, between 7-9pm
Eat dinner between 8pm- 10pm
Debrief on the internet or catch up on TV 
And finally drag myself to bed around 11pm-1am 

Wake up, Repeat. 

It’s exhausting. And that’s a typical day. And I’m not complaining, I’m just explaining. 

This is just an example of a Monday.... It’s cool though because the time flies (usually) and so do the days, but they take a toll for sure. For example it’s Wednesday night around 11pm and I started writing this Monday in the afternoon. I seriously do not know where the time goes.. HENCE WHY I HAVE NOT UPDATED MY BLOG IN THREE MONTHS. (Obviously, I apologize)

Let me explain why my thoughts are fleeting: 

My emotions with my students in the Philly public school system is minute to minute. I have a class of seventh grade boys I follow around all day... This would drive anyones emotions into a frenzy. 
I love my boys so much. They are so amazing. I am learning so much about life from them. They see life in such a different way than I do. 

Today the boys in my school played this song and it really effected me,

They rapped along (knowing all the words) with such gusto. It wasn’t even that they just memorized some rap song, like no not at all. They were filled with passion, it’s like they knew what this guy was saying. 
I, of course... The white girl from the suburbs..., had never even heard this song before. But I could feel the passion not only from the song but emulating out of these kids. I asked one of the students why they all liked this song and they said, “because it tells a story.” 
It is baffling to me that these kids, in 7th grade, can relate to something like this so easily. And it honestly pains me. 

On the bus, I drive through the neighborhoods that these kids live in and have grown up in. It’s Northeast Philadelphia. I’ve driven through these areas in the past but I never had a face to anyone that lived in any of these homes. 

I just want to help them as much as possible. I want to show them that jail should never be an option because they are all so much better than that. I want them to get out of where they came from and live up to the potential that they all have. I want soo much for them. It’s honestly overwhelming. I try not to think about it too much because otherwise I start crying. 

But aside from all that seriousness... Sometimes I want to actually kill them. FOR EXAMPLE, Monday... Oh Monday... We had a substitute. -_- I can not. 
They were totally insane. Running a muck to the highest degree. I kicked two students out. At one point I looked over and a student I work with a lot was laying across two chairs... Just laying down.... I lost it. And by loose it I started laughing and couldn’t hold it back. 
I’ve learned, through these past two months, to really take things with a grain of salt and pick and choose your battles. Life is about bigger things then a student laying across two chairs like a monkey... 

So it's like a constant wanting to kill them or want to hug them into oblivion.

Aside from school... 
Shit’s just constantly nuts... If it’s not this it’s that... 
I had to take four personal days because of this... Someone please tell me what my life is...?

There have been so many things unrelated to school since July that I can’t even remember. Roommate shit, friend shit, family shit, shit, shit, and poop- which is shit. 

But like that’s the things it’s all just shit. 

And maybe this is life. My favorite movie, Love Actually, has this line, “There is always going to be a totally shit time.” And maybe that’s just my life for now and the foreseeable future, or maybe it’s just fucking life. 

I am finally alive again. I am out of my Fuck Yab fucking shit hole of rebuilding... I have gone from negative to positive, from Vermont to home to Philadelphia. Aka college and fantasy life to dose of reality to really living a real life. 
It's a little like this, I have had my mid life crisis already. You who have been reading have seen me through it.
I didn't know where I was going, but I made a plan and I got going. I am now on my way. But the thing is I am just starting to build my foundation for life. I got out of my hole of not knowing what the fuck to do and now I am like ok, it's go time.

This, this real life thing, is what I have been training for for two years. 

And life is fucking hard. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I am so exhausted I can’t even cry so I just say fuck it and order sushi and watch a movie. 

There are so many things I want to put into this blog but I can’t fit all of my emotions from three insane months into one blog post. 

I will make this promise to you yabbers... I am not done writing. I never will be. And I promise I am back. 

I am making a public promise to my readers that my next blog with not have an apology at the beginning because I will stay updated. 

Me promising to you.

Writing for me, to you, whoever you are reading this, is really important to me. It helps me. My life has def been lacking a bit without me making my blog posts AND IT ENDS NOW. 

Like I said before, I am not complaining about anything... I am just explaining.

Something they say a lot in AA is that God does not give you more than you can handle. Although things may seem like a lot there is always a reason you are dealt the cards you have. And you can do it. 

I can do it. I have been doing it. 
I have been happy and 99% healthy, which is good good good for me. Not only have I been happy and healthy but I have been fucking killing it to be honest with you. I am dealing with all of these situations with an air of confidence and grace that I haven’t had before and I am really really proud of myself. 

Things fall into place the way they are suppose to whether you like it or not. 
And things are not perfect right now, but I don’t really think life works that way and I am swimming just fine. 

Oh wow. I haven’t even talked to you about my “love life” at all. Aye, well looks like I am going to need to put up a new post sooner than I thought.... 


Also newly obsessed with this, 

(completely unrelated and I hope you enjoy)

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Fuck Yas Feminists

Some people say this may be an exploit of little girls, which I can totally see and agree with but I'd rather teach my daughter how to say fuck or shit than how to shake her ass on a guy that doesn't respect her inner beauty.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Tinder Saga Part 50: The End.

I'm a little exhausted because I've literally been blogging all day long, I've had four shots of expresso and no cigarettes and I'm about ready to run the fucking country. SO I HOPE YOU ALL APPRECIATE THIS.

I'll try to keep this short and sweet;

Ok so I've talked about Tinder a fair amount and I hope you've all followed along closely.
Quick over view: I've been experimenting with tinder for over a year and I've met none of my internet suitors, as of June.... Ah but it's July?
I've met none of my internet suitors because I've refused to meet them, avoided meeting them, or just had no desire to. Oh yeah and there was that one who refused to meet me, but I'd rather not discuss that one...

So I met one.

Yes, I finally met a dude from Tinder. IRL.
And guess what? It wasn't that big of a fucking deal.

I think tinder, and quite frankly all online dating-
WHICH I JUST RECENTLY LEARNED THAT there's an online dating site for fucking everyone, like I'm talking you're really into diapers... well you're a sick fuck but HEY they've got a site for you!-
but all these sites and apps create a huge, UNNECESSARY, build up.

If you meet someone out at a bar, at a coffee shop, or anywhere IRL that's it. It happens right there, you don't have to think about it, it just happens. It's organic. I mean you can stress over them later and shit, but you don't have to worry about meeting them because it happened naturally.

All this tinder shit just stresses people out so much. Like don't fucking tell me it doesn't. Because I've talked to some of the most casual, calm people, when it comes to dating and I'm tellin ya... IT STRESSES PEOPLE OUT.

My conclusion from my tinder experimenting: it's not for me. (I mean this will probs last like a month and I'll be serial swiping yet again... but tbh I doubt it.)
But like, I did it. I met someone, we hung out, it didn't really work out, and I'm fucking over tinder.
And the ten minutes before we hung out, that instant right before it happened, my anxiety was through the fuuuucking roof.
nah not really.

But like I said... wasn't that bad. As soon as I was with him IRL for like 5 seconds, totally fine and normal.
Personally, I would rather meet someone organically, and I think that's just a better bet for me.

Tinder. I'm sorry, but I'm breaking up with you. 
It's over. 
This is why:

I just... I can't. 

Now it's time for me to dance my way through the real world, IRL, 

This never happened on tinder, or via text, 

I close with, obviously: Nobody puts baby in a corner.