No, that was not the cat. Yes, that was me slamming on the keyboard.
I went to a meeting Wednesday and vented/ranted harrd. The first thing I said was "I am really fucking pissed off and frustrated." I was partly frustrated because I had my hand up the entire meeting and got called on in the last ten minutes. I was ready to walk out of the meeting.
But I'm not really mad. Frustrated yes, definitely, but I can't be mad right now. WELL I CAN, and I was/am but mostly I'm just like...
I'm so broken down. I'm tired, bruised (literally- I think I'm have a vitamin deficiency), stressed and just bleh. It's not like I ran into a brick wall, it's like I was going down the right highway to success and a ton of bricks fell on me. And again, and again. And then one more time. Now, I'm hiding under a tree but I'm on this highway and I can't stop moving forward.
That's how I feel.
I also feel like people are just passing the crash like, "hey can I help? Oh I actually have to be somewhere I'll call you later and see if everything went ok. Bye."
Which I understand. We are all on this highway and people have places to go but I would really like if someone just pulled over got out and helped me put my car back together.
But I'm not helpless. I can do this. I can continue to move forward.
What I'm really saying, is I'm dealing with relapses. Not my own. But they are the scariest things I've ever experienced. Watching someone kill themselves and let their lives unravel is so painful.
[insert ALANO meeting here]
It's just so frustrating because I've worked hard to get to almost three years sober. I thought I was past all the tough stuff... WRRRRRONG. This is hard. Staying sober, while watching people get fucked up, is just as hard as it was for me to put everything down. A few weeks ago I broke down mentally. It was a moment where I said to myself, "I need a meeting. Right. Now." So I went to two. It's been hard to bump up my program while working so much, but I really have been trying to. I need to put myself and my sobriety before anything else. Because whatever comes before me being sober, is the first thing I will lose.
I'm also so sad. Even though I want to join in fuck up my life, I think about it and I don't. I want my friends to get better. I don't fucking want them to die or turn there lives to shit. I care about people in general and I really really love these people. I have high standards for people and the people I'm friends with, are really good fucking people. I don't even have the words to fully express how I feel about this because it's so disheartening. I've seen people die from addiction and I don't want these people to die.
I think I need to start over. Take time for myself again. Re-prioritize. See what's going well and what's not. Maybe punch someone in the face. Jk on the last part.
Lemme just say I am thankful I for christmas for a fucking break. I love my students to pieces, but dealing with them in-itself is hard enough.
That is all, goodnight. Wish things were just this simple,