Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Sitting With Loneliness

I feel  like every time I write a blog post I start off by saying, OMG IM SO SORRY IT'S BEEN SO LONG!!!

Well guess what, it's been sao long and I don't give a fuck.
Don't piss your pants- I'm not like shutting down Fuck Yab- but like I'm sorry I'm not sorry.
ANYWAY now that that repetitious intro is over, let's get cracking:

So let's see... what's new in the life of yab? Oh well I will tell you.

So I had my break up, with my fake internet boyfriend but I got over that rather quickly aka I jumped back on tinder.

Now my first go around on tinder was about a year ago. I never had any intention of meeting any of the men I talked to- IRONIC BECAUSE I NEVER DID EVEN WHEN I WANTED TO- (I digress). It was all for my musings.
Now Idk, I am toying with the idea of meeting men from this application but like my social anxiety is not allowing for it. SO after many times of deleting and readding and deleting and redownloading tinder, I have finally deleted it period. 

Tinder is also highly questionable. 
Like you can say what you want- I've said what I want- but it was created as a purely physical thing. It's like a meat market. That's not to say some people aren't looking for more than a hook up but stilll... HIGHLY QUESTIONABLE.

But I deleted it finally, in my therapists office because she told me it is important to sit with your loneliness and it can sometimes lead to a great joy in the end.

Getting my quick fix from tinder, emotional or physical attraction, is just that- a quick fix. It lets me prolong my feelings of needing someone and being alone.

Tinder is not the only thing that blocks out loneliness.

Sometimes driving in the car, thinking and thinking about things, I start to get that lonely feeling. I immediately pick up my phone and call everyone in my favorite list hoping someone will pick up. When no one does I feel panicky and call my mom usually, or fucking anyone that will listen.

My therapist told me to try and sit through that loneliness because it can be followed by a good feeling.
So I have been trying to do that. Coincidentally, I've been listening to a lot of  The Script, 

and sitting in my car on the verge of tears driving around town.

because it really is followed by a good feeling...

I was driving listening to Breakeven and really missing my fucking stupid ex internet boyfriend. I was so upset for about .5 seconds.
Wondering if he even cares that it's all over, if he's already got some new internet girl friend, if he ever thinks about me or cries about it like, how upset is he? And will I seriously never talk to him again? Ever...

But then I thought this, he was just the beginning.
There are so so much better things ahead of me. That was just an opening to a doorway. He's not the end of anything!!

And it sucks that I miss him because I do. I really fucking do. But I have such great things ahead of me. I'm also not really alone, I have a whole contact list of favorites who I love so much and I know they love me.

So like, I am woman hear me roar. 

And it's important to feel feelings.
I am so scared for the generation after me that is just constantly bombarded by technology. I'm afraid they won't feel real feelings. They'll just have internet relationships their whole life and not know what it's like to have emotions...

I am really trying to get away from that, personally...

So I'm off tinder. And I've entered into the real world!
Last weekend I was out talking to new REAL LIFE PEOPLE the whole time.
Once I do it, I'm like, "oh yeah people are ok... I like them."

But it's so easy to get scared of people and hide on the internet or in my bed.
Especially this week... which I've done a little bit...


I'm on my period and I have been a total nut case all week. Mostly just internally... and I've been emotionally abusive to my mom...per usual.

This was probably the worst week I could have tested out this whole loneliness thing because I am already an emotional train wreck...........

Like being a girl is just not fair. My life and emotions were totally fine a week ago and now I'm just like, give me a panini, a donut and a smoothie and srsly gtfa from me. Or there will be teeth marks somewhere. 


So what have we learned today? 

I mean unless you don't have social anxiety. 
In that case question everyone's motives and FYI "let's hangout" Apparently just means let's hook up. So if some guy is like "let's hang out" There will be no hanging out... unless you mean naked... then there yes, will be penis' hanging out. 

~Life is a beach, so play in the sand. ~

I was going to end the post there butttt waiiiittt a second!

So, there was a blood moon the other night! But if you are on Instagram I'm sure you already knew.... lol shut the fuck up everyone with your shitty moon pics. 

But the Blood moon, aside from meaning new ware wolfs are transitioning...., is a huge time of change!!!

And how fitting because I just completely revamped myself take a look:

If you couldn't tell from this post already, I am becoming the boss ass bitch I want to be. I am doing new things, moving forward in the right direction, and now have a new look.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Shit Storms

It's a funny time, in between winter and spring. One day you are in shorts and the next day it's snowing... This could just be the #annoyingphillyweather... but I do think it happens everywhere.
In VT it's called "mud season" and here in Philly, I'm calling it, "pot hole season".

But like I said it seems to be everywhere, from Buffalo, to Maryland, to San Fran...

And maybe it's not so much that there's gross thunder-snow-rain-sun storms going on, as there is shit storms happening.

~maybe it's just life~

Some of my good friends, (from Buffalo, to Maryland, to San Fran and even BTV) are dealing with some really trying shit. And if you've read any of my recent blogs (aside from the Frozen tribute) I've not been strolling through the park either.

But shit gets rough sometimes. Like really fucking rough. Like break down in your car crying, calling your best friend crying, locking yourself in the bathroom crying... Basically a lot of crying.

And it's so easy to see the negative, to point out the really shit shit that is happening.
Being happy and positive is not fucking easy all the time.

Things always, always, always, get worse before they get better.

With the biggest storms, theres bigger clean ups, but eventually brighter days.
Not after every storm there is a rainbow but there is always something beautiful to be found.

Life really kicks our asses sometimes, that much I have learned in the past two years.

O btw I'm 2 years sober today. YAYAY


And I would like to particularly pay tribute to these people, who actually this blog was ORIGINALLY written for:


I don't know what I would do without my family and my friends, that I consider, family. These people have been huge in my life and I am so grateful to have them.

*side note: I also am extremely grateful to have such a loving, caring and supportive family, particularly mother. If my family wasn't behind me 100% I literally don't know how I would handle life.


This post is important to me, not because of my two years sober but because it pains me to hear my friends in pain. I wish I could just hug them until life was better. 
But going through shitty, shit, shit storms makes you a hell of a person. 
No matter what happens, when you come out on the other side you are changed and you learn. 
When you're uncomfortable and doing things you don't want to be doing you are growing up. 
We are all doing a lot of growing. 

I said something to someone today that I really liked, it had to do with dating but I think it applys to life, Now you are in the game. No one wins on the first round, but you have to keep playing. 

College may be over for a lot of you, but you have just started out in life. Keep your heads up my loveys. I believe in you and thank you so much for believing in me. 

xoxo cheers. 

Saturday, March 15, 2014

As if A Frozen Song Couldn't Get More Perfect.

Omg stop. I can't even handle this. 

Also I love this. So Much: 

Oh and theres this one:

Friday, March 14, 2014

Break Down

Yesterday. I had a huge break down, and I have a feeling it might not be the last one of the week.

I have all this stuff going on, from a "break up" to a random ass girl telling me that the guy I just broke up with was talking to her the whole time- YA THAT HAPPENED- and I'm quitting smoking and I'M BLEEDING.

I've never constantly talked to a human, everyday for 8 months, in real life or not. So I didn't know how this 'break up' would play out.

I thought if I kept moving, like a mile a minute, everything would be good. I would stay out of my head and in a good place. If I was constantly busy, out of my room, or at the gym, these feelings would go away... things wouldn't hurt so much....

Well, somewhere between the break and the post-finding out what I had with this person could have all been a lie, I lost it.

"Wut? What yab? Whatever do you mean?"

Oh well, let me tell you.

A girl, a reader of this blog, came to me (via facebook) and told me that the entire time I had been talking to this guy... he had also been talking to said girl, having a relationship with her.
I also found out they kissed the same month he sent me flowers for valentines day.

All day yesterday, I was feeling so fucking angry. I knew these were misplaced feelings.
I've heard it said (by my mother) that anger isn't a real emotion. Anger is just sadness and hurt coming out in the wrong way. And I believe that. Every time I'm angry I feel like it is actually something much deeper.
I knew my anger was really me being very deeply hurt but I just couldn't access those feelings. I had resentments piling up.

The entire day I was out of the house and running (literally and figuratively) around trying to be constructive. But by the end of the day, after a red bull (which I do not advise when you are feeling upset) anything would have set me off and something, rather someone, did.

I went to my group therapy to process everything that had happened. A girl in my group said some things to me, in session, that sent me through the ROOF and I, quite dramatically, flipped the fuck out. I screamed, I slammed the door, and I tried to run out but I ended up, of course, hysterically crying.
It turned out to be a productive group but I  was quite embarrassed by the way I acted.

I just feel so stupid and exhausted.
I let this person take advantage of my trust. I told him everything about myself and I found out he was very dishonest with me.

My big, Alisha, told me today I am a person who falls hard. Yes, I'd say this is so. I really try not to but once it happens I get in deep.
This is not something I regret either, I think it is good I was vulnerable and I think that can be a powerful thing.

Life is about those dramatic moments I always say. These are not the type of dramatic things I wish were happening to me.... but I will live and learn. 

Now it's time to slow down. I'm going to relax. Not go a mile a minute... Take some RandR. 

I am doing all the things I need to do to stay healthy and positive. But once in a while you have a breakdown. And this kind of breakdown compared to say... IDK being institutionalized.... is a win. 

Monday, March 10, 2014

The Romantic Gesture

I think the worst part of a break up is not the break up but the realization that it's over.

People get in fights, they argue and make up. But people also break up.

I've never really been dumped. I've had multiple fake relationships where things have just fizzled out.

I've always had to break up with people. I've never wanted to end things with someone, it's always been a had to. 

There was this one guy I use to hook up with and by the end of things I screamed at him to get out of my room. That was the only time I never wanted to see someone again.

This one guy dumped me but we 'dated' for a day and it was the stupidest decision I've ever made in my life.

But I digress.

What I mean is, something I referred to in my last blog post, the "romantic gesture."

I broke up with my internet boyfriend and I'm wishing so bad that he would just show up my door, tell me everything he said was wrong, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, he can't let me go, yada yada ya
But I have to keep reminding myself:

The boy I broke up with almost four years ago isn't going to magically send me a letter confessing his love for me, or show up at my door either. In fact he's not even going to text me probably because I deleted him on Facebook and he probably thinks I hate him not that I think about him constantly.

The movies confuse all of us. Making us think that there will be these romantic gestures, when the fact is they are a lot smaller.
People are just people. There are no scripts IRL, no writers (except me- and I write after the fact not during, or before, or for the scene).

 "we're not the exception, we're the rule"

That's not to say people don't fight for the ones they love. Yes, I believe in love and romantic gestures are real. But we all can't have these delusions of grander!
But I can say this,
One day I will be the exception for someone. It may not be who I think, or really want it to be, but someone will fight to have me in their life.
And I won't give up on that.

I think the movie He's Just Not That Into You, spells it out for everyone.
People constantly reference it.... Like if you're one of my friends and you tell me one more time, "Oh you need to watch He's Just Not That Into You...." I swear to fucking God I will punch you in the face. YES I'VE SEEN THE GODDAMN MOVIE. But if you haven't you should really watch this.

I will find someone who thinks I'm funny and loves my crazy. Someone who can't live without that. 
I mean, I'm only 23. So it's honestly ok. 
Plus I love myself. I really do. So I will wait and one day I will without out a doubt be the exception. 

But it does hurt. 
When it's totally over. And you realize that. Nothings going to happen. It's just. Over. 
That's the worst part of a break up.