Stop, O, Wait a Minute

I tend to jump the gun. Like, planning out things in my head, especially in regards to what people are going to say. I have full on conversations with myself of what I think will happen with someone, somewhere.

Constantly I'm get ahead of myself but I'm learning to value pauses.

Sometimes pauses, especially the awkward ones, make me uncomfortable...to say the least. It makes the wheels in my head start to churning.
I'm finding that if I just actually pause, and not plan out, it's usually better then getting ahead of myself 

I use to not value the in between because when you're in the middle you can't  alway see above or below clearly. I think that's really important.

It's ok to not know what's going to happen.

You have to live in the moment 

Because you can't see the future, as far as reality goes, and you can never get back the past. 

I don't want to tell you why I've been thinking about this...
but obviously I'm going to...
It's because I've become addicted to the app tinder. Yup. Lonely girls looking for a man. Not actually, it's just fun to talk to people.
I use to be asked a question, give an answer and not really wait for a response, just immediately ask a question in return.
Now I give a response and wait to see what someone has to say back.

I've also been putting myself out there IRL and talking to new people. When I first started doing this- which was a big step because I was a shut in for a little while- I was very over-conscious of the pauses in between questions and conversation.

But I'm seeing that they are just a part of life.

My dear friend @lissyturner sent me this quote that's super applicable:

"If we want food, we order it online and have it delivered. If we want to listen to our favorite song, we find it on YouTube, iTunes or Spotify. If we want to watch a movie, we either buy it on demand or stream it online. If we want sex, we masturbate. If we want to have a good time, we do drugs. We have this false belief that doing things faster will give us a life more fulfilled — that it will lead to us being happier. But that isn’t the case. Most of us aren’t happier. We do more, but we experience less. We are never in the moment because we are always considering what we will be doing next in order to not become bored.

• Character is most often built during those moments between activities, during moments of solitude and reflection. Men no longer feel the need to pause and reflect because the options for whatever it is they want are only a click away. The options are endless and therefore we never truly experience disappointment."
  (That's from elitedaily.com)

Enjoy the pauses because soon they will be over and you will have to deal with what you're dealt. It's ok to not jump the gun, or even be stuck in the middle grown because things are still happening.

In the wise words of +Zachary Allott : Bere here now.

Starting Over

I didn't relapse hold the phone, but for a while I have been at a standstill.

I made it to a year sober, yay...

glitter for one year.

But like, what am I doing? 
I don't go to meetings, have a sponsor, and I haven't gone through the steps. So like what am I actually accomplishing?

For a while I had the mind set that I would go back to drinking. I thought I'd complete a year and then I'd get back into it again. I didn't think I'd go out and get inebriated but I def was planning out summer events were I planned to be drunk.
Before that, I needed to prove to everyone and myself that I could live without alcohol, which I did. I made it to a year.
Somehow however, my thinking changed before I got to March 20th.
I'd say around January, I started to think that maybe, I wouldn't drink after a year.  I started to like the way things were going really well, for a change.
The desire to get fucked up was still there, of course, but the pros out wayed the cons.
However, I was not focusing on recovery.

So a couple of weeks ago I was in the right place at the right time.

the sky aligned, 

right place, right time.

timing is everything.

I went over to my aunt and uncles for a family bbq and ran into my first alcohol counselor. I hadn't seen this woman since right before I left for college and I was a mess. At that time I was fighting with my parents about wether or not I would do an out patient rehab program in vt while I started school. I was determined to get as far away from this woman as possible. Now, I was so surprised and happy to see her.
She casually asked me how I was doing, probably noticing the plastic cup in my hand and thinking there was something other than water in it. I started talking to her, telling her I moved home and was going to Temple, which she seemed suprised about. Then I told her I was a year sober. She was stoked, like so stoked. She told me she had a couple of Temple students at the program I use to go to (which is for teens and young adults) and to come by and meet some people.
I told her I def would. I also said to her that I don't go to meetings and she said there was a meeting right after group I could go to if I wanted to.
I thought well..... why the fuck not.

So this thursday I got in my car and drove over to my old stompings grounds, to this time maybe not be so much of a little stubborn bitch.

I'm past the point were I don't want help. I need help, constantly, with my life and everything else. I'm not helpless, but I'm willing to ask for help and go get help when I need it....... most of the time.

So after group I went to an AA meeting.

OMG. First one of the year.
It was awesome.

The past meetings I have been to, which have been like a handful, I've definitely related to people but I've never felt comfortable. This was the first time I wanted to keep coming back.
The meeting was full of young people, which was a sigh of relief for me. During the meeting, I silently decided I needed to get a sponsor. I knew who I wanted to talk to afterwards about becoming my sponsor. After the meeting I ran towards her and faced my fears and asked her to be my sponsor.

So I got a sponsor! 

I'm super excited about all this. I went to a meeting last night and am going to another one tonight.

I think I was half ass-ing it until now... obviously I was. I like to minimize my problems.
When I think about how I use to party, I think about just that... the party, not the hangover.

In order for me to complete my goals and more importantly stay out of the hospital I have to stay healthy and sober.

Going back to the begining song in all this. "If I can be an example of getting sober" which I've now done, "then I can be an example of starting over". I want to be someone people look up to and learn from. One of my favorite things to do in life is help my friends through the experiences I have and the things I've been. Now, I'm, as they say, gaining the tools for my tool belt to do just that.







What a fucking cheese ball way to end a post.

Gatsby and Daisy

I guess I'm not really sleeping tonight...

Which is kinda ok because it's offically summmmmmer '13

Tonight I saw the 9:30 showing of The Great Gatsby, by one of my favorite directors, Baz lauhzerman, with my seester and brother. 

I just want someone to love me as much as Gatsby loved Daisy.

IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
My sister said that one day someone will love me that much and she said it will be my cats.

I think Gatsbys love was so deep and sincere. He did everything, like everything, for Daisy.
Not to be confused as "he did everything for her", like incapacitated her, but everything he did was for her.
There's a line in the film where Nick says something about the way Gatsby looked at Daisy. He looked at her in the way every girl wishes a man would look at her. I'm still waiting for that look.

I want someone to truly deeply love me. Not in a creep stalker way but a true, sincere way.

Like every time he says I love you it's as if he has been holding it in forever because he can't tell you every second of every minute, and he's constantly telling how beautiful you are not because he wants to get in your pants because it's just what he sees.

And there is a difference from infatuation and real love.

Loving someone deeply is more than wanting them so badly. It's wanting them to be happy and doing whatever it takes to make that happen. Wanting to be with them forever. Even if love is fleeting, the feeling of wanting to be with someone forever should be there even if it's for a brief moment.

I don't know much about love because the few times I have experienced it I have been young and the feelings have been brief.

I do know I will continue to hope for a love so great it's beyond my imagination. All I can do is give out the love I have and get what I deserve in return. Keep the bar set high.
I don't want someone who is going to try and change me or steer me in a different direction from where I'm going. There is however, always room for improvement. I do want someone who makes me want to be a better human and who can also learn and grow from me.

But I know I will never be a Daisy. 

I'm too much of a Rose.

 

I also secretly don't really mind that I'm single right now. And I in fact know why I'm single right now, thanks to my beloved Thought Catalog.

41 Reasons Why You’re Still Single 

 I'd like to point out that I watch to much Felicity, my imaginary boyfriends are constantly breaking up with me and settling is for pilgrims. 

Dot, Dot, Dot...

SaoOo0oo0oo0o 

a couple weeks ago... or maybe it was a week... I don't know, nor do I give a flying fuck- I said that I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. Refer to this post.

And ya know, I thought "oh I'm just whining, I'm not really going to do anything about this, just a usual yab post......" NOPE.

So I decided to switch my major. You might think that this is sorta stupid to do as I'm 22 ( I fucking think it is) but it's really not.
Sophomore year of my college career, at Champlain college, I took my fall semester off- actually I took 3 online course that I, YOU GUESSED IT, failed. I just didn't do them... NOPE.
Then summer '11 I took summer classes so I guess I was a full on sophomore at that point.
And then my junior at Champlain was, well... it was not existent.
I took the whole year off then I moved home and started going to Temple University in fall of '12. So I'm a... I don't fucking know a full on junior? Maybe? NOPE.
Credits get transfered in as electives or not at all.

So now I have the bright idea of switching majors... LIKE WHAT AM I DOING??


OH WELL YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY YOLO.

And no. Assholes. I'm not going to be in school for seven years and I'm not wasting all of mommy and daddy's money.

NO. NO. NO. THIS IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING. 

Yes. This is happening. Going brain dead.

Switching from Public Relations to Media Studies, particularly Media Business and Entrepreneurship, will actually work with more of my transfered credits.

I'm just really, really... REALLY frustrated right now. Temple is different from Champlain... LIKE BY A LOT.

Aggressive.  

What I'm talking about in particular is advisors. At Champlain you had an advisor, at Temple there are just advisors. You meet with any advisor, not one specifically, and you have a quick meeting with them. There really nice and helpful but like lezbehonest, if I'm not in their office all the time they're not going to remember me.

So now, I have to make all these decisions on my own. FABULOUS.
AND APPARENTLY IT'S NOT GETTING DONE TONIGHT.
because I'm going to bed. Early... o wait, NOPE.

After flipping out on my mom, and then talking it over with her calmly, she said it's not worth trying to pin hole myself into a career because that's not going to happen.
Which I never really thought of before.

I'm not becoming a doctor or a teacher. I don't know exactly what I want to be so I might as well just relax.

THEN WHY AM I STILL FLIPPING OUT ?!

it's just really frustrating because all my friends are graduating this month, and I'm like cool.....
Not that I'm not super stoke for them! Because I really am. They've worked so hard and I knew they would do it.

But it's kinda just like ok... meep... I'm switching majors... uh wait wut...

So IDK.

The thing is I just feel like I'm making a huge decision. Which I'm probably not. I'll probably end up in sales, or writing, something having nothing to do with relations or media.

I just don't want to make this decision. I want someone to do it for me. Clearly that's not going to happen so... time to put on big girl pants and dive in to the cold water head first.
Like I said before... Yolo.

ok.

I hope you don't take my use of yolo srsly... 

Bike and Build

A lot of people that I know have been working on, and putting into motion, some seriously cool projects.
As I mentioned a few months ago a couple of my doods started getting together funding for their Mongol Rally endeavor. There project just ended and they were wildly successful.

My dads project is also on the funding website Indiegogo.

And now one of my Besties MISS MELANIE HESS is working on a project! Melanie has been raising funding for a while and I've been meaning to endorse it SO I AM NOW

CHECK OUT THIS LINK

Mel is going to bike across country but she needs your help! Check out her project! It's super unique and is going to be quite a life changing joruney for her!
Mel's no stranger to adventure.

She is going to do fabulous on this exciting trip. I wish her the best of luck and I hope you will support her!

Also another project I want to mention real quick if youre in the Philly area, or even if you're not is Brian walkers new album! Check it out if you have the chance!


Major props to all these people who are out there putting their ideas and goals into action. I salute you.
May the odds be ever in your favor


Xoxo#groundedbyglitter

Send Me to the Bunker

In the past week there have been far too many casualties. 

I am no longer worried about foreign nations-
*side note: I had a major freak out when I heard about North Korea announcing it was set and ready to attack America. Like a major freak out.
I was in my night class and was totally tuned out the whole class, blindly taking notes, not focusing on anything but news articles. Luckily, I have well educated family members who quickly made me rethink the possibility of North Korea actually trying to come at the US of A.

However, I am worried about these explosions.

First, there was Boston. Now, Texas.
From what I'm gathering they're two very different events. Boston was a direct attack, no one identified yet, and Texas was a fertilizer plant explosion.

Like how am I suppose to go on just living my life when all of these crazy things are happening?!!

The other thing, that I believe is a factor, is that this seems to be becoming a trend. Obviously the number of shootings has greatly increased, aduh. I believe in the good of people so much but all of these things happening has to be fueling some crazy people, adding fuel to the fire.

AGH this all needs to stop.

It also stresses me out because I'm not constantly with the people I love.
I'm away from the majority of my friends, who are in Burlington, I have a best friend in New York, Panama, California, and Ohio just to name a few.

If anything should ever happen to any of these people or towns IDK WHAT I WOULD DO.

#thanksobama

Ok it's time for me to go to sleep now.

Internal Conflict

I've been having this internal conflict, sort of like the one expressed in Crossroads.

What's to come.

I was just talking to my soul sister @efauxfox and I was able to sum it up in words.

I'm not worried about myself, I'm on a good path. I'm just not sure where I am going...




I don't know if PR is my path. 
And I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

I think it's extremely important, in the day and age, to have a degree. I'm more than half way through getting mine so I'm not going to switch majors now but I just don't know if I can see my self in this field forever.

If I could do anything I would go into film. My first major in college was Digital Film but I quickly realized it was unrealistic. Being in the film industry takes a lot of effort and passion. Although I do feel film is my passion, I love being able to tune out and watch a movie rather than having to over analyze it. Movies are never something I would want to get tired of so I'm staying away from that.



I was thinking about all of this while I was at the movie The Place Beyond the Pines, yesterday.
I liked it a lot. Parts of it were overly developed, yet you were still left asking questions.
It was very unique though and of course my boyfriend gave a knock out preformance #ryangosling

omg. I die.

I love being creative, which is part of the reason I chose PR. You can put a lot of yourself into campaigns, sometimes. I love writing but I don't know if I could make a real career out of it.

Something else, both Emma and I are passionate about, is spirituality. I would love to develop my intuition. Some people may find that funny but I take it very seriously and I feel sorry for you if you can't tap into it.

I love chakras, the mind and soul. I would love to explore that.
I've come to my own conclusions about my beliefs from the people I've met, things I have heard, and places I've had to get through. I don't really associate with organized religion but I love the concepts.

I'm just scared of being stuck in an office that I hate. I feel like I have time now to figure it all out so I'm not getting super stressed out about it
but I just ~wonder~

Where will I be in 5 years? Will I even have a career? Will I have a baby? Will I still be in recovery?

If you don't know what your doing with your life are you doing something wrong? Or are you on the right path?

Questioning everything is imporatant. There's nothing that irks me more than blind belief.

Question everything. 

Ultimately I will find my way, until then I'll just work on today.