10 things about 10 years sober

It's July 12, 2022. And I realized I haven't said something here, on this blog that held my hand as I got sober, that I did it. I made it to ten years sober. 

It's almost selfish of me to not share that here. In the safest space I ever created for myself. And I don't even have 10 years right now, I had it in March. 

I just actually went to a zoom recovery meeting and shared my story. And that reminded me I have a blog with my story on it and what an addition these last few undocumented years have been. They somehow have been more technology induced which has almost made me gravitate less to writing online, well writing in general. When I first got sober I barely had a smart phone and now I have two laptops, a kindle, an ipad and an iphone- on top of heaps of other pieces of technology. I even work in tech now! 

It was definitely easier then, to sit down and write at my computer versus now I have a miniature computer in my hand, or on my wrist, that I am constantly trying to get rid of and turn off. Moving to Colorado was also an opportunity to be less plugged in, yet somehow I now live in the tech hub that is Denver, CO. 

A lot has happened to me in my life, let alone the last decade. I also somehow have my own small business?! I give my story now and I am trying to just get past the whole "what happened" in my drinking part, and more onto the "what happened after". I was talking about regret today and I really don't regret a whole lot of my life. Maybe that's because I now I feel like a lot of the time that reality is not even real and I am just creating a journey in front of me. 

But I do remember what it was like to be hopeless. I remember what it was like to have nothing to the point I really had nothing to loose- but for me when that happened I chose to get sober. There was a freedom that I do sometimes crave in having nothing. Now I have built this life for myself where if I was to drink I would have so much to loose and throw so much away. 

I kind of hate being a role model sometimes though and having people depend on me and wish I was just a little nothing no one depended on, but what I luxury that is right? Sometimes I just wish I was still a piece of shit so no one saw me as a good person because if I were to fuck up it would be big and it would disappoint a lot of people that I care about. You can think I am an asshole for saying that but it is a lot of pressure. Like my family brags about my sobriety a lot which is adorable but if I were to fuck up on this front... I literally don't even know. I'm not fucking perfect I just tend to tell the truth about pretty much everything- radical honesty- and I really don't have anything to hide. I still make a hell of a lot of mistakes, but now I learn from them. 

But dude, these last few years have been fucking hard. Not even so much my life, but it's like just sitting n my front porch watching the world crumble and sometimes I want to join them. I don't want to cry alone about how sad things are always, I want to go out and cry into the street and set things ablaze. I have stayed sober through living alone in a pandemic, seeing friends drink or die, loosing friend completely unrelated to drinking, watching evil people get the most power possible, seeing families loose everything due to other people greed, watching people fight, feeling helpless as the world burns down. Fire is part of life though so I hope it's all just part of our rebirth, age of Aquarius process.  

10 years ago I was living in my own personal hell while it seemed like everyone else was thriving. Now, I am literally living my best life, finally figuring things out and everyone/thing else seems a mess. 

And I fucking hate when people tell me "your so lucky you got sober young". It wasn't like any this stuff was easier, or that my 20s weren't an insane time, I just had to handle it different to stay alive. I didn't have the luxury of having a drink because I couldn't. But I don't regret it, I do sometimes regret- or resent- having to be sober through a lot of my life. Because it's hard. 

I have also had to rid my life of people who can't meet me here. At this point in my life drinking is just not something I do. I am able to handle the ups and downs without it. I work really hard at that. Getting sober has been sooo much more then getting rid of the substances. It's been allowing myself to be me. Creating a loving and trusting relationship with Gabriella, and figuring out who she is. Some how I got really lost and hopeless on the road of life at a really young age. I couldn't be with myself for more than a day. And I have spent years finding me again and now I get to just be the best version of myself. I no longer judge myself, or others, so harshly. But I know when to get out and move on. I really don't have the time, space or energy to entertain negativity or superficial bullshit. And unfortunately, as a result of that I have lost a lot of friends this past year alone. 

That's been a really tough part of this- the losing part. There's only a handful of people who I started this journey of sobriety with that are still here. There have been people so close to my heart that have died or disappeared, and there have been people who I have not been that close with but their deaths have struck me. I think as a result of that, for a long time I clung to a lot of friendships in order to not loose people. I think now at this stage in my life, I understand it can be ok to let go of the things (or people) no matter how close, that don't serve me or care for me. And I have people that are worth clinging to, and I do. I have learned there are people that are worth keeping in touch with, and not everyone is good at keeping in touch and that's ok because they are there when it counts.  

Health issues have also been a crazy aspect to enter my life in the past few years. And seeing the people who have showed up for me during those times has been really instrumental. Also at the end of the day, a decade is a long time! And people change. I certainly have changed, I hope to continue to change to become more and more of me. To do more and more of what makes me happy. I guess I just give less of a shit than I truly ever did. And I also have said I don't care what people think for a long but I really have been truly feeling that more and more these days. 

Ok so here it is, the 10 things I learned getting sober:

1. The more you know, you know you don't know shit. Keep seeking. Stop saying "I know." And just be open to learn

2. Strive for progress not perfection. You do not need to be perfect to get things better or right, you just need to try. And if you fail, get the fuck up and try agin. 

3. I wish you a long and slow recovery. You didn't fuck up your life in a day and it is going to take a little while to put it back together. Don't get discouraged, it is going to work out- if your willing to do the work, have patience and trust. Don't try to rush through it. There's no graduating from this. Keep a journal too and it will make it make more sense- it doesn't have to be public on the internet- and youll be able to see the changes. 

4. Do not put anyone or anything before your recovery. Put yourself first in this case.

5. The world might not get better- the world might get shitter. But this will make it easier. And nothing is that bad even though it might feel like it. Your feelings cant kill you. Nothing is worth drinking over. Listen to music, love hard, live. 

6. There is not anything you can not do. If you want to do it you can. Have this attitude, ask for help, lean on support, you can fucking do it- whatever it is, even if that is getting out of bed. 

7. Things might not matter. There might not be a God, we might be in the matrix. But do good. What is the point of being an asshole if it doesn't matter. And you have the power to be good and create good. 

8. Think about it from their perspective. Period.

9. Feel life. Be fucking happy, cry. Be sad. It's ok to fucking feel. You can be angry, you can sit in anger. But don't live in it. Do what you need to to let it go. If you need to listen to metal music and scream one day then do it but learn how to walkaway and take a pause. Turn on the radio.

10. Find Something to believe in. This isn't easy. I am not going to lie to you and say it is. You can choose misery, unhappiness, self pity, misery, fuck shit, or death- or life and love. One day you are gonna look at your life and either be like "wow." or like "wooooooow." This life is worth it, and you are fucking worth it.

And be nice. Help others. 

I could go on but that's enough. I wish I had more wisdom for you. I remember picturing myself getting my ten years sober coin and sobbing and not believing I did it- but when it came down to it, it just came really fucking fast and I was like woah. So let me emphasize this- I am really fucking happy. I have created a really great life. I have a spiritual foundation that literally could not be broken right now and I love adding more aspects to it everyday. I don't feel like I am on the wrong path and I am supposed to be somewhere else. I love my cat and my partner so much. I love our life. I love my life. I can do whatever I want to do and create what I want to create. I have been feeling so shitty honestly that I haven't done enough in these ten years, but that is enough and more than enough. And people close to me are like, "are ya kidding?" I have already had two careers. That's more than I thought! So thank you blog once again for letting me work this out. 

I am not some guru and I have another 10 years to work on now. I am just more me. I think sometimes as humans, at least this human, I make life really complicated and a whole part of this journey has just been enjoying the ride and not making things so hard. Even as I write that a sigh of relief escapes from my body. My 8th grade year book quote was "All I can be is me- whoever that is" by Bob Dylan. I really didn't realize how profound I was at that time. Maybe I have peaked. But I doubt it. 

Goodbye 2021

If you were to read one thing this year on the Internet, it truly would not have to be this blog post. As always, this absolutely is my musings from the past year and the insight that I feel I have gathered. 

If you do not want to participate in that that is your choice and by all means goodbye. I get it. Especially if you don't want this to be the last thing you read in 2021. Not that it really matters, tomorrow is just another day, that will simply introduce us to 2022. 

However, if you do choose to continue reading I will provide you with both the trivial and integral things that have happened to me this year and what I have learned. In fact, I am not going to provide you with only what I have learned from this year, but also what was taught to me in 2020.
(Aka the year that didn’t really happen, but actually did and had huge last impacts on every single one of us.)
All of us alive on this planet now have collective trauma! How fun! but I think living in itself really gives us a collective trauma. It is on the bright side.... in some sense, we got to experience something together.

Ok, I will now stop narrating and begin- 

Ugh. Every-time I get back into this blog and start writing again I feel I owe either an explanation of why I haven’t been writing or an apology for my absence.
But instead of that I will just give you the facts: 2020 was absolutely insane, as described in the previous year old post.
At the same time, I think it taught myself quite a few valuable lessons. Now that I have had a year to reflect on these lessons I can retrospectively identify a few of the things I learned. So here is what I have learned from both 2020 and 2021. 

1. You can't live in fear. Life can absolutely be scary and you can be scared but you can not live your entire life in fear. This is something recovery taught me, but 2020 quickly reminded me. 

2. Value the people in your life. Don't hold grudges. Make time for family. 

3. Go to the concert. If you are asked to go to a concert, on a date, to go on an epic vacation, do it. Because you never know when you will be stuck in your house indefinitely. 

4. Take walks. Take whatever nature me time breaks you need in life. It is ok not to be ok, you can cry whenever you want and life can be cruel and unfair. But when you feel that way take action, go for a walk, take in beauty, let go and take back your sanity. 

5. You can not control people, in any sense of the words. You can give good orderly directions, but if someone does not want to follow your directions or has an idea they think will work better the chances of being able to do anything about it, even at a government level is slim to none. 

6. It takes a really long time to truly know someone and you should never think to yourself that you know someone absolutely. However, no matter what length of time it take. 

7. Do not let money control your life. This is hard because money creates freedom to do more things. Some of us have to work so many hours to survive. But the pandemic showed us that money and life may or may not be real and it's another thing that attempts to control us. 

8. Do what you're passionate about. You may still need to work to survive, but take the time to pursue your passions, at least on your own time. If you have the opportunity to make that your job- fucking do it. 

9. Make the world better. There is so much shitty shit in this world. And if you search for it to be shitty, it can be even shitter. Negativity is a deep dark hole and sucks the meaning of life away. Give your life meaning, you can make it whatever you want. You only have one life, as far as we know, so make it a positive one. 

10. And finally, nothing really matter! This doesn't have to be discouraging, it can be encouraging! Life may be a simulation but that means you don't have to stick to the status quo. You can do whatever you want, but be a good person in whatever you do. 

Those are certainly not all of the things I have learned, and a lot of these are reminder, but that is all I have for now. But I think I will be writing more this year because I will be making sure to remember lesson 8😊. 

Do Not Live in Fear

 So this past year was really fucking weird and am I gonna blame not writing on my blog in such a long time on a global pandemic that should have allowed me more time to dedicate to this? Yes, yes I am. 

Truth is I have certainly had time but the creativity has been a lot harder during these weird times. And the stress... WOW. It's been a lot of ups and downs. I know it has for all of us. People have had to deal with things they never have had to before or never even thought they would have to. 

The last time I blogged was in June, when we were in the middle of the first wave of the pandemic, thinking things would be over soon, then riots broke out. After that we realized A.) this country was not done with the pandemic and B.) this country's was more racist then many of us ever thought. 

Just to catch you up incase you were living under a rock- after that the pandemic spiked and we all were either panicking or ignoring state orders and partying, then trump got voted out but said he won the election, then he indirectly told a mob to attack the capitol- in DC, yes- they did and police basically let them, finally Biden was inaugurated, Trump is now facing legal battles but don't really know where he's at, we have a vaccine but it's hard to get, were in 2021- a lot of people thought that this meant things would go back to normal... things did not. So we are now just in the days of days. 

There honestly is no such thing as a new normal, things are just still weird. I don't like getting very close to people in public, but I guess that is normal... People where masks and to me that's still not normal. 

It's been confusing and there have been a lot of moments I have been quite literally dumbfounded saying "what the fuck". Usually around 1-3am I have a cigarette and I still think on ok, this is all still happening... remember to breath. 

The truth is this has all been a very short amount of time with a lot of crazy things that have happened. Astrologically there is a lot going on, this might have been the year that the Mayans were actually referring to when they said shit would hit the fan, it's just been a lot, for sure. We have had to examine aspects of our lives that otherwise seemed mundane or routine and see where we have taken things for granted. 

This is what it has been like on a global scale. Let's look at a more personal scale. 

Since we last spoke I turned 30 and got through another new year- which is always a time of reflection for me, got my fucking dream job and I'm killing it because I am so happy with work, still in that relationship I was last year and love my partner so much, and I made it through the holidays with my family smoothly. I guess you could say I'm really becoming an adult?............even though I look like I'm 12 and act like it a lot too. 

Which, to be honest, is why this blog has gotten on the back burner in my life a lot. I still write a lot but my outlets have changed. I really want to start a new project or a podcast but I have been dragging my feet on this. Speaking of... 

New Years Resolutions: 

1. take better care of my car.

2. put my projects into action and off of the back burner. 

3. be the best employee I possibly can. 

If you were reading through this blog front to back the change you would see from the writing to the person I am today has changed so much. I went from someone who was so utterly hopeless to someone who is just brimming with gratitude. Even on my worst days now I still look around and am so happy with my life. I wish I could back to when I was 20 and tell that girl it rally was all going to be ok. Although, I wouldn't have believed even myself. 

keep your head up little one

Turning 30 really made me think about what my life has become and all the things I have learned. Definitely one of those biggest things is, "it's not easy". Having your dreams come true isn't easy and I'm honestly sorry for the people that it is easy for. Life was made to experience suffering. In the wise words of my mother, "It's not how you fall down, it's how you get back up." And I think we have all had to deal with this reality in 2020-2021. This year has been truly crazy and it has given the word perspective a new sense of perspective. We have lost people from our lives in different ways from the normality that they remained there to some a completely emptied space. 

We have realized the things we can and can not live without and how truly important toilet paper is to this nation. People have lost their jobs and others have gained new jobs. complete industries, that no one ever imagined would fail, have floundered. There has been a sense of the entire nation, maybe planet, just trying to keep it's head above water.

But again, personally I have realized time is fleeting. I remember when I was a kid and I couldn't wait to drive a car and have a license. It felt like I would never get there, now I have been driving for longer than it took to get my license. I remember entering high school and thinking it was going to take forever to get out of there, flash forward and I'm at college. I feel like sometimes I am just really blinking my life away. This has however given me a lot more opportunity to live in the now. To seize the day but at the same time not fear the future as much. 

A lot of fear has surrounded me with the pandemic however. I am nervous of getting sick, getting others sick, getting my family sick....... But after worrying myself so much I do know realize I can not let this fear consume me. This is a lesson I have learned before, and a tricky little one that squeezed in there again. All we can do is the next right thing. 

I have not stopped writing during all of this time. I did write something when I turned 30 that I am proud of that I will share soon. Around when you turn 30 you do experience your Saturn Return: 

The Saturn returns is when the plant Saturn comes back to meet your natal Saturn. It takes about 29.5 years for Saturn to return to where it was when you were born. The Saturn return hits in the late 20s and its impact is felt into the early 30s. It's when you find your purpose and can be a really transformative time which can be really difficult. 

Some parts of life suck but I am going to tell you this and it is relevant to whoever, wherever: This is the only moment you need to worry about. Not yesterday or tomorrow. Just right now. You're not late for anything. You aren't going to miss anything,. You are exactly where you are suppose to be and you are exactly who you are supposed to be. You absolutely perfect and enough and whatever happen today is supposed to happen because you can handle it, grow from it and learn from it. Strive for progress not perfection. Decide right now not to live in fear and to live life. 

Tensions are HIGH.

Shit is weird. 

Like really weird. It feels weirder by the day. 

Ok so it's been only two months since I was last here. However, it feels like a lifetime ago. If you are reading this in a year other than 2020- let me tell ya, this year was a wilder roller coaster than most of my life. I hope things have gotten better. I literally say. "God speed." Instead of, "Good bye." 

April felt like a year, May felt like a week, June feels like it's already over and it's not. 

One thing that has been extremely difficult for me has been that I haven't been able to go to in person recovery meetings and virtual meetings are not something I ever foresaw. For me getting my ass into a meeting and seeing humans is really important and when I got sober it was almost a guarantee that they would always be there for me. No matter how shitty things got in life or the world AA would always be there for me, until now. Virtual meetings don't give me all of the aspects that an in person meeting does. I know a lot of people are dealing with not being able to do a lot of different things right now, but not having my recovery in full operating order is quite different than needing a haircut...

For me going to meetings isn't about staying sober anymore, it's about keeping my fucking shit together and knowing how to live life. If I never had come into contact with AA, I for sure would be somewhere else, and it wouldn't be a good place. Luckily I have 8 years of developed recovery however I still am not very good at navigating life on my own. So I have had to reach out to a lot of people and make sure everyone else I care about is ok. 

But my mood and life has been all over the place. I've been unemployed for about almost three months and the lack of structure is very hard for me. It's also hard because a lot of my days are spent searching for jobs so if I do get a new job my routine will shift yet again and I am not sure how.   

Everything is just in the air and I feel like I'm trying to hold on so tightly to anything to just stay grounded.  

I am also in the moving process which is scary to me because my space that I have become so comfortable with in this time of chaos is going to change. I have really security issues and not knowing where my home is going to be or what it is going to look like scares me. 

I am so confused with life this week. Last week I was fine, maybe tomorrow I will be ok but right now I am really like: 

Monday's are probably the hardest because I wake up with fear to have to deal with a whole week. I stay up way to late. I am having a really hard time relaxing. 

I know, I have to know, that everything is going to be ok. Honestly, if I let go a little bit more the universe will be able to guide me. I know I have to rely on faith and know that I am loved and protected no matter what happens. I AM JUST LIKE REALLY STRESSED OUT. 

And sometimes I explode. I go crazy, my emotions get out of control. 24/7 I am trying to make the right choice and sometimes I just don't. I am glad I can usually recognize where I went wrong and work on it. 

Onwards and upwards. We must make progress or we are stagnant. 

The tension in the world I just feel is so high. Riots, rebellions, revolutions. I am trying to educate myself more every day and help others to understand my perspective. I feel so much hatred even like when I'm driving in the car. I am trying to make a more conscious effort to add more hate in the world right now. Fear creates hate. Not being afraid right now is hard. 

I don't know the answer. I don't even know what to right. I feel my platform is a place people come for hope. I am not going to sit here and tell you what to do. I just want to tell you it's ok, and it's ok to not be ok. Especially right now. 

I do want to say this though: you get more bees with honey. If you are trying to teach someone about what it is you think and feel you need to do just that, teach. Speaking out of anger is rarely effective. I know it feels like you may just want to yell and scream and tell people how fucked up their views are, but you can no reach people that way. Honestly, our world is in such division. We are not seeing each other as humans. We are seeing right and wrong and we need to remember we are all fucking humans. We need to speak to one another as such. 

I think the whole culture of encouraging "Karen" behavior, by first of all entertaining it and giving it a name is not great. No one should speak at someone else. 

I digress. You just need to do you're best. You need to put your best foot forward. Be kind, be compassionate. Try to live with passion even when it's hard. And don't forget, the right thing is not usually the easy choice. 

Educate yourself and educate others. Conversation is powerful and empowering. 

When you're uncomfortable you are growing, so world, we are growing. 

Corona Diaries: Baking and getting laid off.

My life has changed so much in the past month, along with the rest of the world.

I am currently in the craziest times anyone in my lifetime has experienced- at least in quite a while...
I remember learning about the bubonic plague as a kid and going to a museum and seeing the plague doctor's outfit. I remember it thoroughly freaking me out and learning ring around the rosie was actually really dark...
This wasn't something that haunted me though because it felt very medieval, like the torture chambers they used back then, not like something I would ever encounter.

Yet here I am, unsuspectingly living through a plague.

I am actually surprised it has taken me this long to sit down and write since for the past month I have been mostly confided to the small space of my studio apartment and my boyfriends 1 floor apartment. This whole experience has been a whirlwind. I mean things are constantly changing, from being able to eat out, to days later not being able to go anywhere and the grocery stores randomly running out of toilet paper. Wtf...

I have been on a wilder rollercoaster ride then usual these days, maybe in another amusement park all together. I am constantly trying to stay in a state of gratitude. I have made a gratitude jar, blessing jar and banishings jar that we contribute to daily. But sometimes no matter how much you bless or banish things from your life metaphorically, you still break down.


I go from happy to five minutes later wanting to rip my skin off because I feel so confined. Apart of me wants to flee but there is literally no where to go as our whole world is being effected by this. It does feel a bit apocalyptic, but in a way where something is ending and something else beginning. When I sit outside I feel like I am in Pleasantville sometimes and it freaks me out.

I like having this time to get stuff done in my space. I have been able to finish projects I didn't think would get done and bake a lot more. I really have a lot of introverted ways so this time for me is not the most difficult, but then some days I feel very useless and restricted. I'm a virgo and I stress clean. I bake a lot, like a lot. I've had to cancel multiple vacations and my family is all very far away.

Plus, I already have completely unrelated health issues that I need to go talk to the doctor about pretty urgently. This stress of this time that has manifested through my body has made my condition worse. I throw up sometimes 3 times a day because I can't fully swallow my food and sometimes I get unrelated to food spasms in my esophagus that legitimately feel like heat attacks. I had a spasm the other day and became hysterical because I have no idea when I will be able to see my doctor again. And like an hour before that I was happy and fine. It's like everything is fine and normal until you remember it isn't....

I have been watching my friends lose their jobs left and right, and staying very thankful for the position I have been in. The first of my friends to lose their jobs were the service industry, which is the industry my company deals with. I have felt like a FEMA worker for restaurants, trying to reassure them everything will be ok. Well today, others had to give me that reassurance because my company was the one that got hit with lay offs. I know this is unavoidable but I'm honestly just really sad. I worked my ass off all last year to find a job I liked and I wound up with one I really loved. Also being able to have working days during this shelter in place has kept me very sane.

I still stay in gratitude. I know that no matter what happens I will be taken care of. I have my higher power and faith, family and my support system. It just kinda sucks. Also everyone, I mean everyone, I work with was blind sided. So it was a tough, weird, emotional day. I understand though, the state of the restaurant industry and our economy is horrible. I am glad I am not alone but I wish we didn't all have to suffer through this.

Someone also remind me that the work I did last year was not in vain. My goal in switching industries was to try and find something I enjoyed and I did do that. I figured out my niche and once businesses is back to usual I have no doubt I will thrive.

The thing that is truly the hardest for me right now is whenever my life or the world has gotten shitty in the past 8 years I have always been able to get myself up, take a shower, get dressed and go to a meeting. Or maybe run to a meeting crying covered in hardship. But never did I foresee not being able to go physically sit in an AA meeting. That wasn't part of the fucking deal. We have established online meetings and they are helpful but I am just struggling not having the one thing I was always promised. So I must compromise and try and make it work.

Right before all of this happened I was kinda walking around constantly checking over my shoulder because things were so good in my life I knew it wouldn't stay that way forever. You have to appreciate the good days because you never know when things will change. Even in quarantine, with a roof over our head, good food to cook, company and my cat I still have much to be grateful for and good days to have. In the words of my Pop-pop, "No one ever said this was gonna be easy". Life is very unpredictable and you just have to learn how to deal.

I turn to my higher power, my practice of craft and to live in light. Those who don't have a faith I believe haven't lived with hardship for very long. You can say I am leaning on my faith, but I choose to believe. We have to choose positivity during this time or you will, well, lose your fucking mind.

I have had a lot of time to devel into the arts again. Watching films, crafting, listening to more music, baking, reading. In the normal day to day 9-5 life it's sometimes hard to make time for these things. If there is anything I will learn from quarantine its to make more time for the things I love. I want to live with as much passion as Dermott Kennedy.

I am sure for others this experience is incredibly different. People are having a better or a harder time and everything in between. I can only speak to my experience right now. No matter how you're doing you're not alone. Although we are pretty isolated right now we still have so much technology that keeps us connected so call me if you need a laugh or a photo of chewy. And go pursue your hobby! Make the most of this time, I guarantee you we will never have an opportunity again like this to turn inward and find more truths about ourselves. Time is more valuable than anything else we have so make the most of it, and get outside if you need to.

After writing all this I really have realized how much my life has changed. If it was even just a couple of years ago I would not have this attitude. I would be freaking the fuck out, saying Fuck it daily, and most likely picking up a drink. Right now I do have a strong urge to say fuck it and want to drink. However, I have worked really hard on finding a center of balance and becoming a ray of fucking sunshine. Not to mention I have seen worse days than this. This too shall fucking pass. My personal mantra for half of my life has literally been, "this will all be over before you know it." Good or bad life moves fast and like I mean how am I almost 30? 1999 feels like yesterday. Soon we will be romanticizing the quarantine days and thinking ugh I wish I was still stuck in quarantine. I am not trying to down play how shitty things are- I literally lost my job yesterday. But this too shall pass so buckle up and just ride the fucking wave. Things could always be worse. We will all be ok, even if we are not.

Holy Shit, Hello 2020.

Holy Shit.

I haven't updated this since September?! Jesus h christ.

I think it's so hard for me to stay on top of my writing and this blog the past few years because they've been blowing by.
Like the statement alone: "these past few years... have been blowing by" Like ...

I remember when I was younger and wishing so hard I could drive a car with my license. It felt like a few years was a lifetime. The few short years I was in college and was underage felt like FOREVER. I think when you've lived so little life seems short.
The days go by quicker than ever before and life comes at me FAST.

Which is good and bad. It's good because the bad doesn't last so long. It's bad because life's beautiful moments slip between my fingers so quickly! I want to hold on to them tighter and tighter.
You have to appreciate the good days, you really do and value the time you have with family and friends.
Please people remember this. 

I love writing this time of year because it's a NEW CHAPTER of life.
uhh speaking of...

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know some of you may have heard.... (probably because I told you) I am working on a new more adult, and PG, blog. I had planned on debuting it by now but the truth is I am really scared. I can't think of my life without this blog. I don't think I would be closing the door, I think I would be turning the page. Which is why the blog is titled: "Yab's Next Chapter" because it is.
But think it's so scary for me to physically turn that page...
So scary in fact that I started writing this blog at the beginning of January and I am now finishing it at the end of February...
But the fact is I am not ready to debut "Yab's Next Chapter". I will keep you updated.

Right now I need to fill you in on the past... well year... and the current... well New Year. 

It's now 2020. So with that being said I will need to review and reflect on 2019....

I feel like there were a lot of memes and a lot of people saying 2019 sucked. Not to play into this negativity but
2019 sucked ass.

I'm just going to say it ok, I hated 2019. I was 7 years sober for most of the year but that literally means nothing sometimes. I am just a 28/29 year old trying to piece together what life is.
I felt like this year I actually had to figure my shit out. I had quit my job in nonprofits at the end of 2018 and I truly did not know where the fuck I was going. I spent days on end applying to jobs and getting literally no where.

Real talk, I also came really fucking close to drinking again and smoking pot. Someone asked me the other day "Does sobriety get easier?" Sometimes the answer for me is truly no. It does not go away. I am not cured from wanting to drink and use drugs.
The fact of the matter is I have created a new life for myself- wait- I have created A LIFE for myself. But as the alcoholic I am sometimes want to flush that shit down the drain.

This happens because:
1.  I forget what I have to do
2. I forget how far I have come
3. I stopped doing the things I have to do to stay healthy
it's mostly those 3 things combined.

I was so miserable this past year. I kept thinking, "if I just get...I will be happy". I thought getting the man I love to be with me would make me happy- we were finally in love and it did not cure me. I thought quitting my job would make me happy. I thought it was Colorado that was making me miserable. I thought if I got my dream job I would finally be happy- and then I didn't get offered the position, twice. All of the things I didn't want to happen happened. I had to move out of my perfect apartment because it got to expensive. I was working weeks in a row with no days off and about four jobs- seriously, this is not an exaggeration. I got fucking fired from a dumb part-time job that I hated but it still made me feel like a fucking loser.
And that was my rock bottom.

After that happened I fully gave up trying to force everything to work out. I was praying to God in the exact way I knew I was not supposed to, "God help me get this job and I know everything will be better." blah, blah, blah. Finally, I let the universe guide me again.

You shouldn't ask for things. I learned this at a young age. You should work for things, yes. You should definitely be grateful for the things you have. You should utilize the gifts you are given. But it is plainly rude to ask for things that are not yours.

I started to relax and work harder on my spirituality and staying healthy and things fucking fell into place. I started helping other people again instead of crying about my privileged problems.
After two years of applying to jobs, I got offered basically three jobs in one week.

Then I had to pick one. I was terrified I made the wrong choice. 

2020 so far has showed me that none of my choices are wrong and I am exactly where I need to be. I am in a job I love.
Working shitty jobs really shows you when you have it good. I also finally quit a job that made me feel horrible about who I was as a person even though I worked my ass off. I learned in the past two months of 2020 that hard work and strong work ethic is extremely important but I would also rather be a little bit broke rather than be treated like garbage or "the help". I have seen first hand that money doesn't buy happiness and I want to be happy.

Right now I have more responsibility than I ever have. I have my apartment, my cat, my relationship, my sobriety, a job I really car about, career and personal goals. For one of the first times I am not afraid of that responsibility. It is a driving force for me to be the best version of myself.

With that being said, life is still a constant freak out... (just a little less so)
it's that roller coast of life...

I AM FUCKING TURNING 30 THIS FUCKING YEAR. I come to acceptance with this and look at my personal growth and the fact that I am finally becoming an "adult" and then I also like want to cry because my care free days are coming to an end.
Why the fuck did our parents let us play "house" as kids? I manifested this shit for myself and I want to go back to the fucking playground.

It is weird to me too because my mom had me when she was 30. And now I am as old as when I first met my mom. She always seemed so much older and "adult". You look at your parents and you just see them as anomalies, all knowing, having the answer to everything, super human. But it makes me realize how human she is.
I'm also sitting here watching Beverly Hills 90210, which literally came out when my mom was 30, 30 years ago and it's like I'm having this nostalgic moment for her, wondering where she was in this life then.

I digress-
I should say too I have been really scared of writing. I don't know why. I don't know if I am avoiding my feelings, not wanting to look at them, or just doing other less important things. Lately I have been watching so much tv and evading my reality. I am deep in reality TV right now but the truth is I need to confront my reality.

back to that ultimate goal I always revert to:
Finding balance. Right now I am fairly balanced but I need to tip the scale a little bit more to follow my passions and continue to nurture my happiness.

I know I always promise that I will stay more up to date on my writing for you all, not that anyone cares lol, it's a promise to myself.
Well I am not going to promise it, I am just going to do it.

Thanks for reading and letting me share.